IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Task 2: Some suggest that young people should take a job between school and the university. Discuss what advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

#suggest #people #job #school #university
Youngsters prefer to be independent as a person so
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
when they finish school,they maintain a job and make
money
.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are several benefits of having a career between school and university, some drawbacks can not be overlooked. On the one hand,young
people
 like want to have a job when they finish
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
school, In my opinion, we have a host number of pros when you have an occupation as a young person
such
 as you can make cash and after that, you can fulfil your needs.
In addition
, if you
achieve
Verb problem
earn
show examples
money
, you should be happy.
Therefore
, you try extremely hard and you
done
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 everything.
Moreover
,when your bank account has enough
money
 you have more confidence and
also
 if your parents have financial problems,you can lend your
money
 and
solution
Replace the word
solve
show examples
this
 problem.Ergo,your parents will be happy when you fulfil their needs.
On the other hand
,there are numerous cons when youngsters maintain a job. because you do not have enough time to rest or travel so, it can be possible you get many illnesses.
Also
, you must pay when you go to the doctor and
it is clear that
 if you hang out with your friends,
it
Correct pronoun usage
you
show examples
 will probably you can not have perfect communication with other
people
.
However
,in my idea, if you can be
independent
Correct article usage
an independent
show examples
 person, many
people
such
 as friends or parents encourage you.
Thus
, demerits are not significant.
As a result
, we have a large number of pros and a
little
Correct quantifier usage
few
show examples
 cons.
For example
, when young
people
 have an occupation they can buy anything and they have to meet some
people
.But, we have some cons
such
 as they do have not enough time so they can refuse to
anything
Add a missing verb
do anything
show examples
.
Submitted by bazarjanimohammadreza83 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve your essay, focus on creating a clear and coherent structure by organizing your thoughts into paragraphs with specific purposes. The introduction should broadly introduce the topic, followed by body paragraphs that discuss advantages and disadvantages separately, and ending with a conclusion that summarizes the points made and gives a final thought or recommendation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant examples or explanations. Avoid overly general statements and try to back up your arguments with specific details or anecdotes.
task achievement
Address the task directly by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of young people taking a job between school and university. Make sure you provide specific points for each side of the argument rather than simply listing thoughts.
coherence cohesion
Improve clarity by refining your grammar and sentence structure. Use a range of vocabulary and check for spelling mistakes or misuse of words. Connect your ideas using appropriate linking words and phrases.
task achievement
To enhance your task achievement, expand upon your ideas with more specific examples. Instead of mentioning generic advantages or disadvantages, consider the personal, academic, or professional impacts of working before university.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: