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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some parents think computer games are better for children and they should be allowed to play more of them. whereas some parents argue that they are harmful to children.Do you think advantages outweight disadvantages.

#parents #computer #games #children #outweight
Some
parents
 suppose that
children
 will
beneficial
Replace the word
benefit
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 playing
computer
games
 and
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 should be allowed to play more,
another
Correct word choice
while another
show examples
 group of
parents
 think
computer
games
 are harmful to
children
.
Althought
Correct your spelling
Although
 there are downsides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 playing
computer
games
,
this
 essay argues that the advantages are stronger as
this
 can help
children
 in their
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
.
Firstly
,
children
 who enjoy playing
computer
games
 tend to grow up better in their
communicating
Replace the word
communication
show examples
skills
.
For instance
, in order to complete
Add an article
the
a
show examples
challenge in the game,
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 is the key to
succeed
Replace the word
success
show examples
,
hence
, effective communication with each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 of the players is important.
Secondly
,
while
 playing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strategic
games
,
children
 require
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strong
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skills
 in order to win the game.
Therefore
, social
skills
 and
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skills
 play a vital role in one’s life, without the development of social and
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skills
,
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
children
 would not grow into dynamic, individual
problem
solver
Fix the agreement mistake
solvers
show examples
 when they reach adulthood.
On the other hand
, some
parents
 mention that
computer
games
 are harmful.
Children
 who are likely to spend more
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
games
 mostly
discovered
Wrong verb form
discover
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
bad eyesight
due to
 too much screen
time
. Having bad eyesight since young requires them to wear spectacles and
this
 could
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
burden to a family.
However
,
parents
 should control
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 screen
time
 in order to avoid
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
spending too much
time
 in front of the screen.
To conclude
, despite the downsides, I believe that the advantages of playing
computer
games
 are greater because it can help
children
 in their development.
Submitted by chewweyyan on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. Introduce each paragraph with a topic sentence and follow it up with supporting details. The connection between your ideas can be strengthened by using a wider range of cohesive devices.
Task Achievement
Use a range of sentence structures and vocabulary to articulate ideas more precisely and to add interest to your writing. Avoid overgeneralizations by providing specific examples and explanations for your claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, aim for clear progression of ideas, using paragraphing effectively and incorporating a variety of linking words. Be sure to have a distinct introduction and conclusion that encapsulate your main points.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the prompt. Develop your points fully and provide specific, relevant examples. Balancing the discussion of advantages and disadvantages will result in a more comprehensive essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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