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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that a law should exist so that young people under 18 cannot be out after the midnight, others think it should not be. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #law #midnight
As teenage
stuents
Correct your spelling
students
also
 have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to enjoy
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to be out whenever they want, the perspective
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 some
people
 can be
resonable
Correct your spelling
reasonable
 that there would be no need to have a regulation limiting
people
's
time
 being out regardless
age
Change preposition
of age
show examples
.
However
, interestingly, other
people
 argue that students still need a law that guides them to stay safe area after a particular
time
such
 as 12 am.
To begin
 with, some adults believe that students should have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 official limit
being
Change preposition
on being
show examples
 inside before
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
midnight by a related regulation.
This
 viewpoint might come from that they concern young
people
's
phisical
Correct your spelling
physical
 safety as they could insist that there are a number of risks in the world at night which can be attractive to the young
genernation
Correct your spelling
generation
. A salient example could be that young
people
 might be exposed to having alcohol or smoking at night at ease compared to
day
Correct your spelling
daytime
show examples
time
while
 other adults are enjoying them. As
this
 can
been
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 seen
compelling
Change preposition
as compelling
show examples
,
people
 might
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 their
voice
Fix the agreement mistake
voices
show examples
 to regulate young
people
 from being outside at night by the law.
However
, the other side of individuals asserts that making
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
people
 being outside after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
midnight might infringe
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
. The rationale of the opinion might be based on the fundamental human
right
according to
UN's
Correct article usage
the UN's
show examples
 human rights
declaralation
Correct your spelling
declaration
. They
declear
Correct your spelling
declare
 that every individual has
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
show examples
of staying
Change preposition
to stay
show examples
 where they want to be regardless
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 and seasons.
For
this
 reason, the regulation related to
this
 should not be established as standing opposite side of
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
.
Therefore
,
this
 point should be considered playing as a paramount rule when creating new laws regarding young
people
.
To conclude
,
although
 some
people
 insist that the law regulating young
teengers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 staying home after 12 should be considered as a part of social rules for their safety, there are
also
 other
people
bring
Correct pronoun usage
who bring
show examples
 the perspective it should not be as
this
 stands against human rights which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 based on UN's worldwide
declaralation
Correct your spelling
declaration
.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which should explicitly state the topic and summarise the main points along with your opinion. Make sure to include these elements to guide the reader's understanding.
logical structure
Try to organize your ideas more logically. Each paragraph should focus on one main point and be clearly separated from others. Use cohesive devices to link your ideas more effectively.
supported main points
Develop your arguments with more specific examples and details. Real-life instances or statistics can strengthen your claims and make your essay more persuasive.
complete response
Ensure that your essay fully addresses the task, including discussing both viewpoints comprehensively and providing a clear, justified personal opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Convey your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Check your grammar, vocabulary, and sentence variety to enhance the quality of your ideas' presentation.
relevant specific examples
Use relevant and specific examples to back up your points. This helps in giving your arguments more weight and makes your essay more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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