IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries crime rates among teenagers are higher than among other groups.What are the causes for this problem and what can be done to solve this?

#countries #crime #rates #teenagers #groups
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The rate of criminal
activities
 among young adults is higher than among other age categories,
this
 is
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a result of high unemployment rates, abuse of drugs and living in dangerous environments.
However
, to solve
this
 problem the
government
 and local communities need to provide job and studying
opportunies
Correct your spelling
opportunities
, stop the
drug
 problem and provide educational programs among the youth. Countries with higher unemployment rates tend to experience higher crime rates among
teenagers
.
This
 is because when the youth have no jobs to sustain them financially they can end up engaging in
criminial
Correct your spelling
criminal
 acts
such
 as robberies and fraudulent behaviours to get money and satisfy their needs and wants even though some of them have guardians and families who look after them.
Moreover
, it has been proved and reported that when youths are under the influence of alcohol and drugs they tend to be more violent and their appetite to break the law will be at its peak.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 many criminal
activities
 that are mostly reported in certain countries are because the victims will be under the influence of toxic substances.
Lastly
,
teenagers
 who are born in cities and homes
were
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are exposed to a lot of crime
activities
 usually end up following the same pattern. For illustration, if a child is born in a house
were
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
 one of their
parent
Change to a plural noun
parents
show examples
 is abused by the other partner they
also
 grow up and face the same problems in future. Despite these
problems
Add a comma
problems,
show examples
 the
government
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society can come together to tackle the skyrocketing criminal
activities
 among
teenagers
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 increasing
opportunies
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 for them. The
government
 should formulate policies that are meant to attract both local and foreign investment thereby boosting employment prospects.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 it can provide scholarships for the
underpriveledged
Correct your spelling
underprivileged
 so that they can go back to school and
quite
Correct your spelling
quit
show examples
 criminal
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
.
Additionally
, the
government
 should run campaigns and introduce tight laws against both
drug
 cartels and addicts.
For example
 by providing free education on the side effects of drugs in all schools. Criminal rate
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to be higher in
teenagers
 than in any other age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
 in many countries because of lack of employment, exposure to unfavourable environments and
drug
 abuse
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
however
, the
government
 and ordinary citizens together need to join forces and tackle
this
 problem through boosting job
opportunies
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 and banning
drug
 use.
Submitted by karigaruvimbo on

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Task Achievement
To improve in task achievement, expand on your ideas and ensure that each point you make is developed fully. Rather than simply listing causes and solutions, delve deeper into each one, explaining the connection between cause and effect more clearly. Include a wider range of examples to support each cause and solution.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by organizing your ideas more effectively. Your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Also, use a range of cohesive devices to help link ideas together. Overall, a more structured approach to paragraphing will help to present your arguments in a way that's easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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