IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

government should spend more money on recreation rather than education.do you agree or disagree

#government #money #recreation #education
Ongoing,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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physical activities and counselling are the fundamental aspects of society, Many people
suggested
Wrong verb form
suggest
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 that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should invest in schools rather than sports.
This
 essay partially agrees with
this
 statement. On the one hand education budget is a long-term goal. In detail,after the long
run
Add a comma
run,
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 you get superior yield in return from adults in future.
Moreover
, the great tutoring produces many options of employment and takes a part in the development of any country.
Secondly
, the funds for the study help to improve infrastructure. To elaborate, the capital investment is used to build more institutions for better adragogy.
Furthermore
,
this
 finance utility will hire quality tutors from abroad and better study is a right of every citizen.
On the other hand
, the funds of the country for sports help to encourage health complications. To illustrate, fitness complications are a need of every person. Nowadays, everybody wants to maintain health by playing games.
This
 only happens when organizations hold tournaments and fundraising for athletes.At
last
, the Olympic activities play a vital role in income generation. It comes from international tourism and
such
 funds help our sportsmen for quality outcomes.
For instance
,
according to
 the report published by the Times during the Fifa World Cup 2022, Qatar generated 350 million dollars from foreign travellers. It can be concluded that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the potential for pedagogy is useful in our future.
However
, the remarkable physical activity cannot be ignored.
Submitted by hussas614 on

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer stance in your introduction. Instead of saying 'partially agrees,' specify to what extent and why you agree or disagree to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is elaborated upon, providing cohesive support to your arguments. Try to avoid jumping between ideas within paragraphs.
task achievement
To better support your points, use more specific examples and data. While mentioning the Fifa World Cup is a good start, giving more concrete examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion should summarize the main points of the essay and reaffirm your position, providing a clear resolution to your argument. Make sure it encapsulates all the aspects discussed.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to using a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to help the essay flow naturally from one point to the next. Use terms that indicate contrast, cause and effect, or adding information appropriately.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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