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Band 4.5

These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #move #area #adults #development
Recently, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a phenomenon where
people
 are leaving the place
which
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 they were born.
This
 situation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 its own
advantages
 and disadvantages. In
this
 essay, I believe that there are more
advantages
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disadvantages
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which I will discuss in
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 following paragraphs. The
advantages
 of
people
 moving away from the place they were born
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 that there might be more employment opportunities and
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 quality of
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
. I believe that the prime driver of why
people
 are moving away is that they are searching for better economic opportunities and better access to education, healthcare and other services. For
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance
show examples
,
people
 who came from
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in slums or poor
neighborhood
Fix the agreement mistake
neighborhoods
show examples
 will
be moving
Wrong verb form
move
show examples
 away once they get the
opportunities
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunity
show examples
 to do so.
However
,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 benefits only impacted the individuals who left their homes where they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 born.
On the other hand
, they left their
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 behind. Leaving their own
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 will have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 consequence of their
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 losing more
people
.
This
 in turn will have the consequences of reduced
overall
 economic activities.
For example
, an area that
lose
Change the verb form
loses
show examples
 more
people
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to become a ghost town and can make their situation
worser
Correct your spelling
worse
.
However
,
this
 should not be an issue as they simply can go back and contribute by providing more
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 for the societies where they were born. In sum, after considering both the
advantages
 and disadvantages of the given situation, I believe that there are more
advantages
 of adults leaving
their
Change the word
the
show examples
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 where they were born. I believe that even though there are more benefits for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals,
such
 individuals could
also
 bring benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the societies they left behind.
Submitted by athaarhdyn on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance on it, providing a roadmap for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Maintain logical progressions throughout your paragraphs to support your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Fully develop your ideas with specific examples, showing a clear position throughout your essay.
task achievement
Provide a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, and ensure that your conclusion summarizes your argument coherently.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • metropolitan
  • migration
  • globalization
  • socio-economic factors
  • traditional norms
  • cosmopolitan environment
  • brain drain
  • assimilation
  • gentrification
  • alienation
  • multiculturalism
  • infrastructure strain
What to do next:
Look at other essays: