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Band 6.5

In many parts of the world, famous people are regarded as role models and they have an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Famous
people
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 have increasingly become role models for the youth in many countries.
However
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, I argue that
this
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 trend poses more drawbacks than benefits. It is somewhat true that
celebrities
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 have the potential to motivate their fans and audiences in certain regards. In truth, famous actors, musicians, and athletes can, on some occasions, inspire
people
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 through demonstrations of perseverance, talent, or philanthropy.
This
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 can arouse admiration in young
people
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 and motivate them to pursue excellence and success.
Nevertheless
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, overemphasis on famous figures threatens to obscure occupations that make infinitely more meaningful contributions to society,
such
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 as teaching, healthcare, engineering, and community service work.
People
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 in these esteemed professions significantly improve society with their tremendous efforts, yet receive inadequate recognition relative to their importance. More problematically, the lifestyles portrayed by some
celebrities
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 are objectionable in several ways.
First,
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the
glamor
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glamour
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 enjoyed and flaunted by
celebrities
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 can lead impressionable youths to formulate unrealistic expectations about different aspects of life.
This
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 can negatively impact their self-image and well-being, especially in adolescent girls who face unattainable beauty standards
as a result
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 of following, and being influenced by, female pop stars or actresses. Another issue worth noting is that many famous
people
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 are prone to making controversial and harmful statements, many of which can be considered hate speech against particular groups of
people
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. If their followers are not discerning enough, they might adopt
such
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 hateful attitudes,
thus
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further
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 endangering those in vulnerable positions. In conclusion,
while
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celebrities
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 have the ability to inspire audiences in some instances, over-idolization of their influence risks undermining more substantive role models and cultivating unhealthy priorities in young
people
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.
Thus
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, I hold that placing famous
people
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 in the position of role models is an
overall
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 negative development.

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Introduction
Make sure to include an introduction that clearly presents the topic and your main argument. Although your introduction does touch upon the main argument, it could be more engaging by including a hook or a more thought-provoking opening statement.
Logical Structure
Ensure that your essay has a logical flow of ideas. While your essay demonstrates good logical structure, there is room for smoother transitions and clearer signposting between the points for enhanced coherence.
Supported Main Points
Support main points with specific examples. You have provided some relevant examples but could benefit from incorporating more detailed and varied instances to further support your argument and add depth to the discussion.
Conclusion
Close your essay with a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position succinctly.
Complete Response
Address all parts of the task thoroughly. You have taken a clear position, but exploring the opposing viewpoint briefly could strengthen your response and show a wider range of understanding on the topic.
Clear comprehensive ideas
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas throughout your essay. Your ideas are generally clear, but they can sometimes be more fully developed with additional explanation or analysis.
Relevant Specific Examples
Provide concrete and relevant examples to illustrate your points. Try to include real-life cases or statistics that can substantiate your claims and make your argument more persuasive.
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