IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #children #phones #school
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There are individuals who argue for prohibiting children from using their
phones
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while
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 at
school
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,
while
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 others advocate for permitting children to
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 during
school
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 hours. I believe that there are no justifications for
this
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. As
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 developed significantly over the
last
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 5 years, individuals including
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
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 may access
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information through their
phones
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 easily.
In addition
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,
students
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 may
use
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 their
phones
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 in
class
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 to find additional resources, which can benefit their learning process.
In addition
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, current smartphone provides various features to foster education
such
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 as automatic notes by voice,
camera
Correct article usage
a camera
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 to capture
lesson
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lessons
show examples
 from the
white board
Correct your spelling
whiteboard
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, or
smart
Correct article usage
a smart
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 calculator to solve more complex
calculation
Fix the agreement mistake
calculations
show examples
. In India,
students
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 need to bring their
phones
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in
Change preposition
to
show examples
class
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 in order to do their tasks.
However
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, these
students
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 may easily get distracted
due to
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 their
phones
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, every time they open their
phones
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, their focus will be lost if there are notifications popping up. Even worse, these kids
use
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 their
phones
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 to play games with their friends in
class
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,
consequently
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, they do not follow the lessons from their
lecture
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lectures
show examples
.
For instance
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, many parents in Jakarta
high
Correct your spelling
High School
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school
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Add a missing verb
were surprise
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surprise
Replace the word
surprised
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 that their
children
Change noun form
children's
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grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
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 dropped and found out that their kids
playing
Wrong verb form
played
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 a game quietly during the
class
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. In
conclusions
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conclusion
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,
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should embrace the benefits of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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updated technologies
such
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 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
,
while
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school
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 may ask their
students
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 to activate some features in their
iPhone
Fix the agreement mistake
iPhones
show examples
such
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 as
turn
Wrong verb form
turning
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 off
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
notifications, and only able to receive messages
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 selected contacts, in order to
use
Use synonyms
 the phone wisely at
school
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.
Submitted by dickyoktarizaldi on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure you discuss both sides of the argument equally and thoroughly to maintain balance in the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more clearly and cohesively, using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
Task Achievement
Elaborate more on each point with specific examples and clear explanations to strengthen the supporting arguments.
Task Achievement
Ensure you include a clear personal opinion in the conclusion, following the discussion of both views.
Task Achievement
Avoid unsubstantiated generalizations by providing concrete evidence or examples for your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
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