IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The supplied bar chart represents data about females in different age that gave a birth to the first child in Australia in the year 1966, 1986 and 2006.

The supplied bar chart represents data about females in different age that gave a birth to the first child in Australia in the year 1966, 1986 and 2006.
#bar #data #females #age #birth #first #child #australia #year
The bar chart illustrates the data about females
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 various ages
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 gave birth
ot
Correct your spelling
to
 the
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 first child in Australia in
Change the article
the year
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 1966, 1986, and 2006
Overall
, we can see that there are fluctuations in the chart throughout the years and does not show a consistent view regarding
if
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 the change in decades would affect the first time
women
 gave first childbirth in
this
 country. In 1966,
women
 aged 19 and under, 20-24, and 25-29 are the top three
age
range
Fix the agreement mistake
ranges
show examples
 with
women
 aged 20-24 having the all-time peak in the
40 year
Add a hyphen
40-year
show examples
 time span.
In contrast
,
women
 aged 30 and above
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a
relativeley
Correct your spelling
relatively
 low rate with
women
 aged more than 40 reaching near the 0% mark.
Moreover
, in 1986, the total percentage that
women
gave
Correct pronoun usage
who gave
show examples
firstbirth
Correct your spelling
birth
 became lower on an
overall
 scale,
women
 aged 25-29 overthrew the 20-24
age
range
 becoming the highest percentage with just above 50%.
Furthermore
, in 2006, females at the
age
 of 19 and under fell drastically to around 10%,
while
 the females
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
age
range
 20-29 declined just a little.
In addition
,
women
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
age
range
 35-39 experienced a massive surge to 30% after minimal growth in the previous years. Even though all the
age
 ranges
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 different adjustments, the ones aged 40+ still have an unnoticeable development.
Submitted by aizawatakeru2 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 77%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, age, range with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "gave" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • data representation
  • females
  • age groups
  • gave birth
  • first child
  • trends
  • significance
  • shift
  • later age groups
  • socio-economic factors
  • analysis
  • peak age groups
  • future predictions
  • past trends
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