Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In most
of
Change preposition
apply
the
countries, male students are required to join the armed Correct article usage
apply
forced
right after their school year. Replace the word
forces
While
many argue that this
practice should be mandatory for all nations, and even include women
. Not everyone have
the same views. Personally, I strongly agree that every citizen should undergo formal military training. Change the verb form
has
This
essay will explain the reasons.
In recent years, the world has been a safer place than before that
the vast majority of teenagers have never been under the state of war. Correct word choice
and
Although
the paradigm of war has completely shifted from the last
century, there are soldiers deployed around the world keeping us safe from an era of greater threat.
It is reasonable that we should be responsible for our own nation’s safety
. These responsibilities should be shared equally among the citizens. Having millions of reserved forces who
can prevent enemies from thinking of the invasion. Correct pronoun usage
apply
Therefore
, all men should get trained in the military to be ready to be recruited in the time of need to ensure safety
in their nation.
Recently, gender equality has become a hot topic for discussion. In the past, women
had distinguish
Change the verb form
distinguished
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
helping
the family in Change preposition
in helping
which
men Correct pronoun usage
apply
serve
Wrong verb form
served
as
Change preposition
in
armed
forces. Correct article usage
the armed
However
, in the light of equality, women
should also
serve in military
as well. They should held responsible for their nations’ Add an article
the military
safety
too.
In summary, I totally agree that all men and women
should be equally required to serve in military service to ensure peace
and Correct article usage
the peace
safety
of their own nation.Submitted by panus.cho on
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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the question directly, but could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the topic. Try to develop each point with specific arguments and relevant examples to strengthen your case.
Coherence & Cohesion
A logical structure is evident, but there is room for improvement in the way ideas are sequenced and paragraphs are connected. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure that your paragraphing distinctly separates your ideas.
Task Achievement
You present some ideas related to the benefits of compulsory military service, but you need to bolster these further with concrete, specific examples and possibly statistics or studies to underpin your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a clear conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of your essay and restates your position. This helps maintain coherence and cohesion throughout the piece.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.