Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
contemporary era, children are busy with their studies as many subjects
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
been added
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
their academic studies which is a topic of concern. I agree with the notion that
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
should be added
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
their free time . To commence with ,
due to
the advancement of technology, younger ones have different subjects at their schools , they study hard in order to achieve higher marks.
Hence
, the higher authorities should
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
money on the different and accurate
activities
that will be performed by them in their leisure time . These
activities
may include yoga ,outdoor
activities
and cultural programs at their schools , which will enhance their confidence and concentration .
For instance
, as per
Correct article usage
the survey
show examples
survey
Add a comma
survey,
show examples
the educational
institute
Fix the agreement mistake
institutes
show examples
have arranged
such
activities
their pupils got better results as compared to those does not have
such
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
.
Moreover
, the government should construct playgrounds and parks for them where they can play with their peers .
This
will
emphasis
Replace the word
emphasise
show examples
their physical health and intellectual memory,
hence
they will have
capacity
Change the article
the capacity
show examples
to perform better in their studies.
Also
,
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
mind creates amazing vibes which
devalues
Change the verb form
devalue
show examples
the stress and anxiety
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
their minds.
For example
, experts have recorded the data of suicide
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
in India
due to
the lack of leisure
activities
and
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
depressed children.
To conclude
, it is a necessity
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
today's world must have
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
in the lives of young people,
this
way they become better versions of themselves . The higher authorities should take
initiative
Correct article usage
the initiative
show examples
and consider
such
majestic
Correct article usage
a majestic
show examples
thing for the
wellfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
of the youngsters.
Submitted by Kaurharvinder2984 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a general response to the prompt, but it lacks a clear position throughout. Make sure your opinion on the topic is explicitly stated in the introduction and conclusion, and that your body paragraphs consistently support that position.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with clear topic sentences and support these points with relevant, detailed examples. Avoid general statements.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving your essay structure. Use clear paragraphing, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Start with an introductory statement, followed by body paragraphs that contain a single, clear idea supported by examples, and end with a summarizing conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make better use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help enhance the logical progression of ideas within your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: