Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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contemporary era, children are busy with their studies as many subjects
has
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have
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been added
in
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to
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their academic studies which is a topic of concern. I agree with the notion that
extra curricular
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extracurricular
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activities
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should be added
in
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to
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their free time . To commence with ,
due to
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the advancement of technology, younger ones have different subjects at their schools , they study hard in order to achieve higher marks.
Hence
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, the higher authorities should
be spent
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spend
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money on the different and accurate
activities
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that will be performed by them in their leisure time . These
activities
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may include yoga ,outdoor
activities
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and cultural programs at their schools , which will enhance their confidence and concentration .
For instance
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, as per
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the survey
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survey
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survey,
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the educational
institute
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institutes
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have arranged
such
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activities
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their pupils got better results as compared to those does not have
such
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facility
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facilities
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.
Moreover
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, the government should construct playgrounds and parks for them where they can play with their peers .
This
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will
emphasis
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emphasise
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their physical health and intellectual memory,
hence
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they will have
capacity
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the capacity
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to perform better in their studies.
Also
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,
happy
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a happy
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mind creates amazing vibes which
devalues
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devalue
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the stress and anxiety
from
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in
show examples
their minds.
For example
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, experts have recorded the data of suicide
case
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cases
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in India
due to
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the lack of leisure
activities
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and
have
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apply
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depressed children.
To conclude
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, it is a necessity
of
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in
show examples
today's world must have
extra curricular
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extracurricular
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activities
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in the lives of young people,
this
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way they become better versions of themselves . The higher authorities should take
initiative
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the initiative
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and consider
such
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majestic
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a majestic
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thing for the
wellfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
of the youngsters.
Submitted by Kaurharvinder2984 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general response to the prompt, but it lacks a clear position throughout. Make sure your opinion on the topic is explicitly stated in the introduction and conclusion, and that your body paragraphs consistently support that position.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with clear topic sentences and support these points with relevant, detailed examples. Avoid general statements.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving your essay structure. Use clear paragraphing, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Start with an introductory statement, followed by body paragraphs that contain a single, clear idea supported by examples, and end with a summarizing conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make better use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help enhance the logical progression of ideas within your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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