Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
this
contemporary era, children are busy with their studies as many subjects Linking Words
has
been added Change the verb form
have
in
their academic studies which is a topic of concern. I agree with the notion that Change preposition
to
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
activities
should be added Use synonyms
in
their free time .
To commence with , Change preposition
to
due to
the advancement of technology, younger ones have different subjects at their schools , they study hard in order to achieve higher marks. Linking Words
Hence
, the higher authorities should Linking Words
be spent
money on the different and accurate Wrong verb form
spend
activities
that will be performed by them in their leisure time . These Use synonyms
activities
may include yoga ,outdoor Use synonyms
activities
and cultural programs at their schools , which will enhance their confidence and concentration . Use synonyms
For instance
, as per Linking Words
Correct article usage
the survey
survey
the educational Add a comma
survey,
institute
have arranged Fix the agreement mistake
institutes
such
Linking Words
activities
their pupils got better results as compared to those does not have Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
facility
.
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
Moreover
, the government should construct playgrounds and parks for them where they can play with their peers . Linking Words
This
will Linking Words
emphasis
their physical health and intellectual memory, Replace the word
emphasise
hence
they will have Linking Words
capacity
to perform better in their studies. Change the article
the capacity
Also
, Linking Words
happy
mind creates amazing vibes which Correct article usage
a happy
devalues
the stress and anxiety Change the verb form
devalue
from
their minds. Change preposition
in
For example
, experts have recorded the data of suicide Linking Words
case
in India Fix the agreement mistake
cases
due to
the lack of leisure Linking Words
activities
and Use synonyms
have
depressed children.
Unnecessary verb
apply
To conclude
, it is a necessity Linking Words
of
today's world must have Change preposition
in
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
activities
in the lives of young people, Use synonyms
this
way they become better versions of themselves . The higher authorities should take Linking Words
initiative
and consider Correct article usage
the initiative
such
Linking Words
majestic
thing for the Correct article usage
a majestic
wellfare
of the youngsters.Correct your spelling
welfare
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task achievement
Your essay provides a general response to the prompt, but it lacks a clear position throughout. Make sure your opinion on the topic is explicitly stated in the introduction and conclusion, and that your body paragraphs consistently support that position.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with clear topic sentences and support these points with relevant, detailed examples. Avoid general statements.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving your essay structure. Use clear paragraphing, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Start with an introductory statement, followed by body paragraphs that contain a single, clear idea supported by examples, and end with a summarizing conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make better use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help enhance the logical progression of ideas within your essay.