IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, children are busy with their studies as many subjects
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been added
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their academic studies which is a topic of concern. I agree with the notion that
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
 should be added
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their free time . To commence with ,
due to
Linking Words
 the advancement of technology, younger ones have different subjects at their schools , they study hard in order to achieve higher marks.
Hence
Linking Words
, the higher authorities should
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 money on the different and accurate
activities
Use synonyms
 that will be performed by them in their leisure time . These
activities
Use synonyms
 may include yoga ,outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 and cultural programs at their schools , which will enhance their confidence and concentration .
For instance
Linking Words
, as per
Correct article usage
the survey
show examples
survey
Add a comma
survey,
show examples
 the educational
institute
Fix the agreement mistake
institutes
show examples
 have arranged
such
Linking Words
activities
Use synonyms
 their pupils got better results as compared to those does not have
such
Linking Words
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government should construct playgrounds and parks for them where they can play with their peers .
This
Linking Words
 will
emphasis
Replace the word
emphasise
show examples
 their physical health and intellectual memory,
hence
Linking Words
 they will have
capacity
Change the article
the capacity
show examples
 to perform better in their studies.
Also
Linking Words
 ,
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
 mind creates amazing vibes which
devalues
Change the verb form
devalue
show examples
 the stress and anxiety
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their minds.
For example
Linking Words
, experts have recorded the data of suicide
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
 in India
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 and
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
depressed children.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is a necessity
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 today's world must have
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
 in the lives of young people,
this
Linking Words
 way they become better versions of themselves . The higher authorities should take
initiative
Correct article usage
the initiative
show examples
 and consider
such
Linking Words
majestic
Correct article usage
a majestic
show examples
 thing for the
wellfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
 of the youngsters.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general response to the prompt, but it lacks a clear position throughout. Make sure your opinion on the topic is explicitly stated in the introduction and conclusion, and that your body paragraphs consistently support that position.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with clear topic sentences and support these points with relevant, detailed examples. Avoid general statements.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving your essay structure. Use clear paragraphing, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Start with an introductory statement, followed by body paragraphs that contain a single, clear idea supported by examples, and end with a summarizing conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make better use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help enhance the logical progression of ideas within your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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