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Band 5

Patents of obese children should be punished for making them fat.

#patents #children
It is argued that the mother and
father’s
Change noun form
father
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 of the
children
, who
is
Change the verb form
are
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 obese, should be penalised.
This
 essay disagrees with
this
 statement because
parents
 are not always with their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 during the meal intake and genetic factors are
also
 to blame.
Parents
 are not always present when
children
 consume most of their food. When
children
 are at school, they have their own choices and
parents
 have no control
on
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over
show examples
 their dietary intake. A child could consume a majority of high-calorie food during the unsupervised period. Nowadays, there are plenty of junk food stores in the area which might attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
 to consume without knowledge of their
parents’
Correct your spelling
parent’s
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 permission.A recent study found that primary school student
consume
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consumes
show examples
 an average of 75% of their daily recommended calorific allowance during school hours.
Moreover
,
genes characteristic
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gene characteristics
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 contribute to various features,
for example
, physical shape, hair and skin colour,
as well as
genetic related
Add a hyphen
genetic-related
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 medical problems,
such
 as diabetes and anaemia. Since their parent genes flow into their
childrens’
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children’s
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 baby cells, they have no choice but to accept. It is a measure controlled
of
Change preposition
by
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 the genetic disease,
however
, recent reasons concluded that there is a range of 50-60% of
children
 whose
parents
 are overweight found to have obesity in their early childhood. In conclusion,
parents
 should not be disciplined if their sons or
daughter
Fix the agreement mistake
daughters
show examples
 are too heavy because they are unable to control their diet intake most of the day and genes play a role in determining the weight of a human being.
Submitted by ruthnangying on

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task achievement
Ensure all parts of the question are fully addressed and the position is clear throughout the essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen main points and support arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the essay's structure by using more varied linking words, and clear topic sentences to begin paragraphs.
language and grammar
Consider revising for minor grammatical errors and tightening sentence structure for clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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