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Band 4.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and personal lives. Do you think advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
It is crucial to take
risks
 both in the carrier and the private life.
Although
this
 may open the doors for new opportunities, risky moves can cause huge monetary losses and I believe
this
 disadvantage far outweighs any potential advantages It has become apparent that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 both career and personal lives are associated with new challenges every day. We have to take the
risks
 in order to move forward.
However
, it is not wise to shift to a new step by spending a huge amount of money. Because, if you fail, all you have spent becomes worthless.
Therefore
, to minimize the losses, it is worthwhile to do a risk assessment prior to planning anything new. After that, you will realize whether it is required to proceed or not.
For example
, one of the famous businessmen whose field is agriculture, decided to shift to textile which is totally new to him because of the huge demand in that particular field.
Moreover
, he sold all his cultivated lands and invested money in purchasing a garment.
However
, he was unable to become successful in that field and
consequently
, he had to resell the garment and leave the country
finally
.
Therefore
, it is obvious that
,
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apply
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 taking a risk by sacrificing all the assets will be no point if you did not plan it properly.
In contrast
, there are certain advantages
also
 behind taking
risks
. Facing new challenges is instilled in youngster’s blood. They learn a lot of things by taking
risks
 since their childhood.
This
 is very important for the cognitive development of the children.
For example
, it has been scientifically proven that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 children who have engaged in much more adventure activities show great potential for problem-solving in school. Parents should
also
 need to allow the kids to find new pathways facing challenges. Thereby, children ultimately learn how to withstand the
risks
 and how to turn risk into a value-added opportunity. In conclusion,
although
 taking
risks
guide
Correct subject-verb agreement
guides
show examples
 people
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 novel opportunities, I believe
this
 upside is greatly outweighed by the downside that taking
risks
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 huge
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage
show examples
 to people
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in terms of
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
.
Submitted by nipunianudhika1111 on

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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view on the topic. The essay currently leans heavily towards one side of the argument, which may affect the completeness of the response.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the clarity of your ideas by introducing them more gradually instead of presenting them abruptly. Use a range of linking devices to ensure smooth transitions and organization of thoughts.
task achievement
Use concrete examples to support your points. While examples are provided, they can be fortified with more detailed situations and outcomes that are relevant to the prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main points of the essay effectively. While both are present, they can be refined to better summarize and mirror each other.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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