IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. 
 Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#governments #progress #people #country
There is no doubt that
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 plays a crucial role in developing a
country
.
However
,
while
 lots of governments believe that advances should be geared exclusively towards
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
, I would agree with those who argue that making progress in other aspects
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 just as vital for the nation.
Firstly
, it is essential that governments pay considerable attention to the
country
's economic health that enables our society to progress.
This
 is because a
country
 with an advanced
economy
 is a
country
 with a high level of job creation and employment which gives rise to higher salaries for citizens and provides the government more money to spend.
For example
, if a government's revenues
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 high, it can invest more money in
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 system,
infrastracure
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
 and public services, transport networks and other forms of facilities. The argument goes that if a
country
 does not make progress in
economy
Correct pronoun usage
its economy
show examples
, it
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 strengthen other sectors.
However
, I believe that developments in other various sectors are not less significant than the
economy
. The reason for
this
 is that the importance of other areas like human rights, social justice, equality and democracy, and protecting
natural
Add an article
the natural
show examples
 environment
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 seen as a reflection of
level
Add an article
the level
show examples
 of advancement in a nation.
For instance
, the treatment of minority groups can often demonstrate moral standards and
level
Correct article usage
the level
show examples
 of society. Alternatively, if authorities solely take the economic category
ino
Correct your spelling
into
 account, we
wil
Correct your spelling
will
 face a low-level society in terms of nature, mortality, and
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
show examples
 satisfaction.
As a result
, many problems should be handled in order to have a standard public. In conclusion,
although
 it is of critical importance that government put the
conomic
Correct your spelling
economic
 development on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 pedestal, I feel that in order to advance totally it is necessary to develop all sectors in a parallel way.
Submitted by shamim1999 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay has a clear and logical structure with well-defined paragraphs. You've done well in this regard, but consider enhancing the transitions between ideas for even better flow.
coherence cohesion
Maintain consistency in your essay introduction and conclusion. You have succeeded in presenting an introduction and conclusion, but work on making them even stronger and more reflective of your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with detailed examples. While you have provided examples, aim to include more specific details to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Ensure you respond completely to the task by addressing all parts of the question. You have largely achieved this, but always review your response to make sure every aspect of the question is answered thoroughly.
task achievement
Present your ideas clearly and comprehensively. You have organized your ideas well, but strive for clarity in expressing your arguments to improve understanding.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. You could benefit from incorporating more concrete examples that directly relate to the topic, which will enhance your response and make your position more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • sustainable development
  • social equality
  • environmental degradation
  • cultural heritage
  • technological innovation
  • wealth disparity
  • human development index
  • holistic approach
  • quality of life
  • economic prosperity
  • healthcare system
  • education system
  • cultural diversity
  • policy decisions
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