IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

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Money
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 is arguably one of the most essential parts of
people
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's lives.
While
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 there is an argument that
people
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 require
money
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 to be happy, some
people
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 insist that in order to achieve joy ,
money
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 is not vital. In
this
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 essay, I will first discuss sides that agree and
then
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 those against. Apparently,
Money
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 is a key feature for
people
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 to gain abilities to access many things.
Firstly
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, An expenditure in our
life
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 as we live in society costs a lot of
money
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 for a convenient way of living
such
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 as housing expenses, car fuel and food as a fundamental of
life
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.
In addition
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,
money
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 can provide you a chance to travel and experience new things which can lead to joy in
life
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.
Furthermore
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, If
people
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 got sick and had to go to the hospital for a cure it could lead to a lot of expenditure on medical costs.
In contrast
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, It is certain that for
people
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 to be able to achieve happiness in
life
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 rely on their own perspective.
This
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 is
due to
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 their way of living to cherish the aspect that surrounds them or not.
For instance
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,
people
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 who live in rural areas are able to live with joy without any luxury items because of the disparity in their viewpoints about
life
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. In conclusion, Including all of the aforementioned points ,
Money
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 plays a vital role in the modern
life
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 of
people
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. It helps us to be able to achieve happiness in our
life
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 both physically and mentally but it
also
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 requires a perspective view to find happiness in
life
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. In my opinion,
money
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 is an essential part of living happily.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating clearer connections between ideas and paragraphs through the use of more varied linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure a well-structured essay by having distinct and well-developed paragraphs for each main idea.
task achievement
For task achievement, focus on addressing all parts of the task more evenly, ensuring you fully answer the question. Make sure your examples are specific and clearly connected to the points being made. In this case, more specific examples would strengthen the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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