IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

#people #money #factor #hapiness
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Money
Use synonyms
 is a financial method that
people
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 use to fulfil their needs. Some
people
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 argue that
money
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 is a factor in achieving joy,
however
Linking Words
, I agree with those who think that
money
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 is not the only thing that could bring
happiness
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. On the one hand, owning a dream stuff or an item could give instant
happiness
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 feeling for a person. The ability for a person to get an item is having adequate
money
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 for making any transactions or payments.
Hence
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, some
people
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 believe that
money
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 can bring
happiness
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 because always in line with everything that they can buy or achieve.
Moreover
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,
money
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sometimes
Add a missing verb
is sometimes
show examples
 perceived as a tool for power. Having a bunch of
money
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 means a person has a lot of authority to control. To illustrate, businessmen could use the
money
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 for bribery to their suppliers, so they could get everything for their own benefit.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
money
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 is not the only factor that contributes to
happiness
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. It could vary. For
people
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 who have a broad perspective, having a healthy body is
also
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 one of
conditions
Add an article
the conditions
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 that could bring
happiness
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. A healthy body cannot be achieved with
money
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, it comes from a healthy habit and food. Take the situation of
people
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 with a severe illness ,
for example
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, in
this
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 case,
people
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 should
take
Verb problem
get
show examples
medical treatment to get fit back.
Moreover
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, even though they have a lot of
money
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, they cannot enjoy it
while
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 they only lie in bed.
Thus
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,
money
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 is not always linked with the level of
happiness
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 that
people
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 have. In conclusion, for some
people
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money
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 could bring them
happiness
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 because they can get anything they want,
whereas
Linking Words
happiness
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 not only can be achieved by having
money
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.
Therefore
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, on balance, I remain firmly convinced that
money
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 is not the only thing that could contribute to
people
Use synonyms
's
happiness
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.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, it is important to ensure your paragraphs flow logically from one to the other. Use transition words to guide the reader through your argument and make sure the connections between your points are clear.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. However, make sure both are fully developed. Your introduction should more clearly introduce the differing viewpoints and your conclusion should succinctly summarize your argument without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, aim to include more specific examples. These examples should be relevant and effectively illustrate the argument you are making. This will strengthen your discussion and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
To fully respond to the task, ensure that you discuss both views presented in the question equally. You may also want to clearly state your own position if the question asks for it.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear, but could be expressed more comprehensively. Work on developing your argument further and explaining your points more fully for clarity.
task achievement
Relevant, specific examples are important in making your essay convincing. Ensure the examples you use clearly relate to the topic and support the argument you are trying to make.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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