Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.
Nowadays, many
people
consider money
an important factor for achieving happiness
in life
,while
others believe that money
has nothing to do with happiness
. This
essay has discussed both sides of the argument.
On the one hand, majority
Correct article usage
the majority
people
believe that financial assets are the only source of joy Change preposition
of people
due to
various reasons such
as high social status and ability
to buy everything. As most Correct article usage
the ability
people
believe that rich people
can afford anything, there is no doubt that this
ability is an
ultimate source of Correct article usage
the
happiness
for them. For instance
, a rich man can not only purchase all sorts of comforts in life
but also
can easily buy loyalty
of a poor Add an article
the loyalty
person
. Nevertheless
, there is no doubt that a materialistic person
will consider only monetary assets a real source of comfort and happiness
.
On the other hand
, there are a fraction of people
who disagree with this
point of view. They assert that money
can not buy happiness
. For example
, we cannot disregard the importance of family and friends in some one's
Correct your spelling
someone's
life
. Moreover
, an alone rich man can not find true love and friendship in the community by wasting money
on some people
to earn respect. As majority
of Add an article
the majority
a majority
people
will only try to gain benefit
from a rich Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
person
, It can ultimately lead to depression and anxiety in his life
.
To conclude
, this
essay agrees with both point
of Change to a plural noun
points
views
. No one can deny the fact that monetary assets can help a Fix the agreement mistake
view
person
in gaining
all sorts of luxuries Wrong verb form
gain
of
Change preposition
in
life
such
as property, home
, Correct article usage
a home
car
, and many others. Correct article usage
a car
However
, I also
agrees
with Change the verb form
agree
this
fact that everything comes with a cost and a rich Correct determiner usage
the
person
cannot write his own destiny by using his money
. Thus
, every person
has its
own opinion about joy and Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
definition
of Correct article usage
the definition
happiness
in life
.Submitted by sb101tahirgul on
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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the logical structure, try to clearly delineate paragraphs and ensure each one has a clear main idea that is directly related to the overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are more directly linked by restating the thesis and summarizing the main arguments in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support main points with specific examples or evidence. Instead of making generalizations, include details or anecdotes that clearly back up your statements.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the essay fully responds to all parts of the task by covering both viewpoints as well as providing your own position clearly.
Task Achievement
Express ideas more clearly and comprehensively by fleshing out each viewpoint with more detail and analysis. Avoid overly broad statements.
Task Achievement
Integrate relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Avoid hypotheticals; real-world examples are more effective.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?