IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

#people #money #factor #hapiness
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 consider
money
Use synonyms
 an important factor for achieving
happiness
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
money
Use synonyms
 has nothing to do with
happiness
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay has discussed both sides of the argument. On the one hand,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 believe that financial assets are the only source of joy
due to
Linking Words
 various reasons
such
Linking Words
 as high social status and
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 to buy everything. As most
people
Use synonyms
 believe that rich
people
Use synonyms
 can afford anything, there is no doubt that
this
Linking Words
 ability is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ultimate source of
happiness
Use synonyms
 for them.
For instance
Linking Words
, a rich man can not only purchase all sorts of comforts in
life
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 can easily buy
loyalty
Add an article
the loyalty
show examples
 of a poor
person
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there is no doubt that a materialistic
person
Use synonyms
 will consider only monetary assets a real source of comfort and
happiness
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are a fraction of
people
Use synonyms
 who disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view. They assert that
money
Use synonyms
 can not buy
happiness
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, we cannot disregard the importance of family and friends in
some one's
Correct your spelling
someone's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, an alone rich man can not find true love and friendship in the community by wasting
money
Use synonyms
 on some
people
Use synonyms
 to earn respect. As
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 will only try to gain
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 from a rich
person
Use synonyms
, It can ultimately lead to depression and anxiety in his
life
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay agrees with both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
. No one can deny the fact that monetary assets can help a
person
Use synonyms
in gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
show examples
 all sorts of luxuries
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as property,
home
Correct article usage
a home
show examples
,
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
, and many others.
However
Linking Words
, I
also
Linking Words
agrees
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 fact that everything comes with a cost and a rich
person
Use synonyms
 cannot write his own destiny by using his
money
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, every
person
Use synonyms
 has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
 own opinion about joy and
definition
Correct article usage
the definition
show examples
 of
happiness
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by sb101tahirgul on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the logical structure, try to clearly delineate paragraphs and ensure each one has a clear main idea that is directly related to the overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are more directly linked by restating the thesis and summarizing the main arguments in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support main points with specific examples or evidence. Instead of making generalizations, include details or anecdotes that clearly back up your statements.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the essay fully responds to all parts of the task by covering both viewpoints as well as providing your own position clearly.
Task Achievement
Express ideas more clearly and comprehensively by fleshing out each viewpoint with more detail and analysis. Avoid overly broad statements.
Task Achievement
Integrate relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Avoid hypotheticals; real-world examples are more effective.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: