IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

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Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 consider
money
Use synonyms
 an important factor for achieving
happiness
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 in
life
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,
while
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 others believe that
money
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 has nothing to do with
happiness
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.
This
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 essay has discussed both sides of the argument. On the one hand,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
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 believe that financial assets are the only source of joy
due to
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 various reasons
such
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 as high social status and
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
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 to buy everything. As most
people
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 believe that rich
people
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 can afford anything, there is no doubt that
this
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 ability is
an
Correct article usage
the
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 ultimate source of
happiness
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 for them.
For instance
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, a rich man can not only purchase all sorts of comforts in
life
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 but
also
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 can easily buy
loyalty
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the loyalty
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 of a poor
person
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.
Nevertheless
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, there is no doubt that a materialistic
person
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 will consider only monetary assets a real source of comfort and
happiness
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.
On the other hand
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, there are a fraction of
people
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 who disagree with
this
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 point of view. They assert that
money
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 can not buy
happiness
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.
For example
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, we cannot disregard the importance of family and friends in
some one's
Correct your spelling
someone's
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life
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.
Moreover
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, an alone rich man can not find true love and friendship in the community by wasting
money
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 on some
people
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 to earn respect. As
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of
people
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 will only try to gain
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 from a rich
person
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, It can ultimately lead to depression and anxiety in his
life
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.
To conclude
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,
this
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 essay agrees with both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
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 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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. No one can deny the fact that monetary assets can help a
person
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in gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
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 all sorts of luxuries
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
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such
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 as property,
home
Correct article usage
a home
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,
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
, and many others.
However
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, I
also
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agrees
Change the verb form
agree
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 with
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this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 fact that everything comes with a cost and a rich
person
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 cannot write his own destiny by using his
money
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.
Thus
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, every
person
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 has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
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 own opinion about joy and
definition
Correct article usage
the definition
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 of
happiness
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 in
life
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the logical structure, try to clearly delineate paragraphs and ensure each one has a clear main idea that is directly related to the overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are more directly linked by restating the thesis and summarizing the main arguments in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support main points with specific examples or evidence. Instead of making generalizations, include details or anecdotes that clearly back up your statements.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the essay fully responds to all parts of the task by covering both viewpoints as well as providing your own position clearly.
Task Achievement
Express ideas more clearly and comprehensively by fleshing out each viewpoint with more detail and analysis. Avoid overly broad statements.
Task Achievement
Integrate relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Avoid hypotheticals; real-world examples are more effective.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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