In many countries children are engaged in sorne kind of paid work. Sorne people regard this as complete/y wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

The television
Correct article usage
Television
show examples
can be dangerous
due to
the fact that any
community
or family can be damaged by it. We decide to watch it
instead
of talking to our loved ones or even visiting them. I completely agree with
this
, nowadays
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
is tearing family relationships apart
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because we are more focused on the TV itself rather than our
community
.
Although
, watching the TV with everybody can transform
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
good memories
at the end
of the day. The technologies can
also
be seen from another perspective and,
furthermore
, the screen can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
community
.
As well as
,
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apply
show examples
a series or a show could create an infinite conversation between our loved ones.
For instance
, we decided to meet up and, because everyone watched the Jimmy Fallon show with Taylor Swift the other day, we couldn’t stop commenting and laughing about it. Television can
also
break down relationships with our family. Sometimes, when watching the screen we purely focus on it and we forget about our
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
.
Therefore
, a survey conducted by the University of Paris in 2023 showed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technologies,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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mobiles
Change the noun form
mobile
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phones and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV, can create problems in the family in
a
Correct article usage
the
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long term
due to
the fact that they
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
addicted to the screens. In conclusion, in my opinion,
this
statement is completely true owing to the fact that society nowadays, is becoming addicted to
this
new era and they forget of the real world. Even though, these can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
community
is it clear that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television affects more negatively than it
can
Verb problem
apply
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positively.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task response
Make sure you address the correct topic fully. The essay you provided seems partly off-topic as it does not address child labor but rather focuses on the impact of television on family and community, which is unrelated to the given prompt. You should discuss the pros and cons of children engaged in paid work as stated in the IELTS topic.
coherence and cohesion
Develop a clear logical structure with an introduction that paraphrases the question, two main body paragraphs that discuss each view separately, and a conclusion that summarizes your opinion. This creates a cohesive argument flow that is easy for the reader to follow.
task response
Back up your main points with relevant examples and explanations. Ensure the examples are directly related to the question of children in paid work, including any personal experiences or observations you believe are relevant.
task response
To craft a complete response, ensure you explore both views presented in the prompt and your own opinion fully. Each part of the prompt should be addressed comprehensively to meet the task requirements adequately.
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