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Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Some individuals believe that their children should take an example of “good manners” from
school
,
instead
 of working on their education as caring parents.
This
 essay agrees with the latter point and will show that, despite the fact that
school
 is an educational
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, a
truly
Change the adverb
true
show examples
 example we will take from our mother and father.
Firstly
,
school
 is a place where we gain more information and throughout our whole life, we
are applying
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
 it,
while
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 base
that is
 given
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 our parents
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is quite different.
For example
, the
way
 we think and criticize
this
 life, the
way
 we behave and how
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
open-minded we are. All these things we are taking from our habitats even if in
school
 we can be taught the same, we are unique in our
way
. As I was saying, to be a good member of society means to start from your family and
then
 with
help
Correct article usage
the help
show examples
 of your environment
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
implement
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 qualities.
On the other hand
, parents are those people
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 shape children’s personalities from a quite early age.
For instance
, by telling stories before bedtime about the importance of good qualities that they should have, individuals can
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 a sense of compassion and integrity into them. I believe that
school
 lessons can help us to have a good environment, with trusting people who surround
you
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 cannot shape your personality,
for
this
 reason, we should take our first
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 lessons from our offspring.
To sum up
, despite the fact that sending children to
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 can be seen as a
way
 of teaching them how to be good citizens,
this
 essay believes that domestic upbringing has a bigger impact on determining who they are in the future.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly presents both views and states your own opinion to guide the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by relevant details and examples. Avoid vague statements.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a conclusion that summarises the main points of the essay and reiterates your opinion, creating a sense of closure.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the task equally, and provide clear arguments for both views before giving your own opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a range of linking devices to connect ideas within and between paragraphs effectively.
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points to make your arguments more convincing and grounded.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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