IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

social media is becoming increasingly popular among all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. Do you think that the advantage of social media outweight the disadvange?

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Recently,
people
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 love to use social
media
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 as a new way to communicate with their friends or followers.
Nevertheless
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, several drawbacks may occur regarding personal
information
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 spreading online. In
this
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 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 will examine that the benefits of social
media
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 overshadow the potential drawbacks. On the one hand, personal
information
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 can easily be obtained from the internet because the use of social
media
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 increased. Many
people
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 are not aware that sharing their identity may lead to several negative impacts on their lives. Personal
information
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 could misused by hacker for their own benefit,
such
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 as selling it on the dark web to earn some money.
For example
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, Instagram is the most popular social
media
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, without
the
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apply
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account permission, they can access several pieces of
information
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 inside
of
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apply
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the user's phone for commercial purposes.
Hence
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, sometimes they could show an advertisement on an Instagram account, which is related to our need that just write it on the phone.
On the other hand
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, social
media
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 definitely brings numerous benefits. For ordinary
people
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, they could get the most updated
information
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 and communicate with friends. Additional merits of social
media
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 are they can earn money if a person has more than 10 thousand followers commonly called "Influencers". They are dependent on social
media
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 because nowadays "Social
Media
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 Influencers" turns out to be an occupation, in several conditions, they could earn a billion rupiah in a month. To illustrate, many products use social
media
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 as the most effective method for advertisement and collaborating with influencers.
As a result
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,
this
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 way believe that could engage with the customer and increase the number of products sold. In conclusion, despite the social
media
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 could lead to personal
information
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 being hacked, social
media
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 is a platform for some
people
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 to produce money. I,
therefore
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, remain firmly convinced that the demerits of social
media
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 are eclipsed by the demerits.

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Task Achievement
Ensure the introduction clearly states your position and outlines the points you will discuss. Avoid vague introductions and try to directly address the question posed.
Task Achievement
Work on the clarity of your arguments. Make sure each paragraph has one main idea that is clearly explained and supported by evidence.
Task Achievement
In the conclusion, restate your thesis and summarize your main points without introducing new information.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Use cohesive devices appropriately to ensure clear progression of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Check your essay for structural consistency, ensuring that each body paragraph contains a clear central topic that is expanded on throughout the paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Watch out for grammatical errors and inappropriate vocabulary choices that hinder the understanding of your points. Proofreading can help address these issues.
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