IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

a person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social and material possessions. old- fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#person #possessions #old- #values #honour #kindness #trust
Literature
 is an important part of education, there are groups of people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 believe high school
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 should only learn
literature
 from the
country
 they hail from and
then
 there are those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 believe students should be able to learn from any
literature
 they want, including those that are foreign. In my personal opinion, Students should be able to learn
literature
 from whichever
country
 they choose. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 I see the advantages of studying written
works
 of your nationality. People often disregard
national
Change the word
nationally
show examples
publish
Wrong verb form
published
show examples
works
 for international text because they feel domestic
works
 are not diverse and uncultured. Yet, they are missing out on some amazing writing. I find that my own
country
 of Indonesia has some of the
best published
Add a hyphen
best-published
show examples
 books and I would have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
missed them if I had not given them a chance.
However
, there are not many published
works
 from my
country
,
therefore
 if I was limited to only
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
inhouse
Correct your spelling
in-house
show examples
 text I have little to learn from. On that note, foreign
literature
 has
wide
Add an article
a wide
show examples
 range of publications,
learning
Correct word choice
and learning
show examples
 from them would be greatly beneficial because that means
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 will
be expose
Change the verb form
be exposed
show examples
 to all types of
works
. Enhancing their knowledge. But, there is a danger of exposing
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to
works
 that are unfit.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 one book that came to mind is Mein
kampf
Change the capitalization
Kampf
show examples
 by Adolf Hitler. Those
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of books could spark racist and white
supremist
Correct your spelling
supremacist
 thoughts from a young adolescent. In conclusion, in regard to
weather
Correct your spelling
whether
show examples
 a minor should learn from domestic books only or from international printed
works
, I believe a
student
 should be able to study
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any
literature
 they want for the good out way the bad.
Submitted by andhitdamanik999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your essay stays focused on the topic given; the essay presented discusses the value of literature rather than addressing material and social possessions and old-fashioned values such as honour, kindness, and trust.
coherence and cohesion
Work on providing a clear and structured introduction to the topic, making sure to introduce the specific question being addressed. The conclusion should also reflect back on the points made and restate your position clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Develop supported main points with specific examples that are clearly linked to the question at hand. The mention of Indonesian literature is a good approach; however, ensure all examples are relevant to the topic being discussed.
coherence and cohesion
More clearly structure your essay with clear paragraphs, each one presenting a single idea that is introduced, explained, and concluded. Use transition words to ensure the flow between paragraphs.
task achievement
Avoid straying into unrelated topics and ensure examples used are relevant to the subject of worth being judged by material possessions versus old-fashioned values. The Mein Kampf example appears to be off-topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: