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Band 5.5

Nowadays, most children prefer to spend several hours playing with electronic devices over doing more traditional leisure activities. What problem does this cause? What do you think are possible solutions?

#children #hours #devices #leisure #activities
In
this
 increasingly digital world, many youngsters would rather spend most of their
time
 playing online
games
 than do outdoor activities.
This
 essay will discuss the issues caused and propose some possible remedies. Young people addicted to online
games
 would lead to a number of serious consequences. Spending excessive
time
 sitting or lying down playing video
games
, our
children
 would fall prey to the negative effects of a sedentary life,
such
 as significant health problems like obesity and poor
postures
Fix the agreement mistake
posture
show examples
. It
also
 adversely
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 their abilities to focus on academic studies or to cultivate interest in their surroundings.
In addition
,
according to
 a survey conducted in Hong Kong, over 65% of kids aged 6 to 10 regarded
online
Correct article usage
the online
show examples
 game world as their comfort zone and were reluctant to
real world
Add a hyphen
real-world
show examples
 interaction, either with friends or family.
This
 issue should not be overlooked as it can significantly impede the social skills of the young generation and adversely affect the development of their personalities.
However
, there are practical solutions to mitigate these problems.
Parents
 should set
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
screen
time
 for their
children
 by designing a balanced
time
 schedule for studying and leisure. They may
also
 introduce some electronic educational applications and learning
games
 to aid their kids’
learnings
Fix the agreement mistake
learning
show examples
. Most importantly, good habits run in the family.
Parents
 should set themselves as role models to engage in outdoor activities
while
 spending less
time
 on digital devices. Many research findings revealed that
children
 under 10 years old would prefer enjoying sports fun with their
parents
 participating rather than playing video
games
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
oneself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
. In conclusion, given that
children
 are increasingly indulging in electronic
games
,
parents
 should take proper actions to encourage outdoor exercises to avoid serious problems for the development of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation.
Submitted by candylaw on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure that your essay flows smoothly from one idea to the next by using a broader range of linking words and phrases. This will help create a stronger connection between each paragraph and the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Check that the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay by presenting a clear thesis and summarizing the main points of the argument. Make sure they are not simply repeating each other but adding value to the overall discourse.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, provide more detailed examples and evidence to strengthen your argument. Specific statistics, studies, or anecdotal evidence can make your points more persuasive and informative for the reader.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task by expanding on each point with comprehensive discussion and analysis. Make sure to cover all aspects of the prompt thoroughly, demonstrating a complete understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but aim to express them more comprehensively. Explore each concept further by providing deeper insight, analysis, or reflection, enabling the reader to fully grasp the implications and nuances of your argument.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. While the Hong Kong survey was a good start, enhancing your essay with more varied and detailed examples can strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a well-rounded perspective on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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