IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are moving from rural areas to urban areas. This urbanisation process has brought about numerous problems. What are some of the problem caused? And what are some possible solutions? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #areas #urbanisation #process
In the contemporary days,
urbanisation
 is an
utterly
Change the adverb
utter
show examples
 phenomenon when
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 number of
people
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 decided to move from remote
areas
 to urban
areas
 and has led
voluminous
Change preposition
to voluminous
show examples
problems
. In the straightforward paragraphs, I will discuss some of the
problems
 caused and attempt to mention some possible solutions. First of all, plenty of individuals are moving to the cities and leaving their villages because of jobs and trying to enhance their lives. There are several issues that can appear on the surface because of
urbanisation
.
Firstly
, overpopulation, one by one the number of individuals in some cities will increase,
for instance
, young
people
 who look for jobs.
Besides
, the amount of the city’s size still remains
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and ends with overpopulation, which leads to other numerous
problems
,
such
 as pollution, traffic density, and limited accommodations.
Secondly
, when youngsters decide to leave their towns, the
place
 will lose many potential
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can foster that
place
.
In other words
, the young generations of the town will decrease;
as a result
, there is no improvement that will happen in the
place
. On the other side, there are several solutions that can be used to alleviate
this
 phenomenon. If
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
 have a big desire to stay in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural places, the
urbanisation
 issues can be preventable.
Therefore
, to make it happen, infrastructure and accommodations can be applied in the village. From the infrastructure perspective, individuals do not need to locomote to urban
areas
 to use it, like hospitals and public
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
. Regarding accommodations, providing housing for indigenous
people
 and travellers enhances
people
’s comfort in living in that
place
. Automatically, the number of jobs in rural
areas
 can increase because the quality of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
 can improve and that will attract many
people
 to not locomote to a city. In conclusion,
however
,
urbanisation
 has led to atrocious
problems
 in urban places, there are several solutions that should be promoted to foster rural
areas
 being a comfy
place
 for many
people
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on providing clearer and more detailed examples to support main points. Move beyond general statements to use specific, real-world examples that underline the problems and solutions.
task achievement
Focus on expanding ideas comprehensively within paragraphs. Each main point should be well-explained and elaborated upon to ensure clarity and depth of understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Consider the logical structure of your essay; arrange ideas in a more reader-friendly manner. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next with appropriate use of linking words and phrases.
coherence and cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that are clearly distinguishable and well-defined. The introduction should succinctly present the topic and your thesis, while the conclusion should effectively summarize your discussion and restate your main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: