IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 is responsible for implementing ways to improve
healthy
Correct article usage
the healthy
show examples
 lifestyles of
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 others argue that leading a healthy lifestyle is an individual choice.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views and provide my opinion. Examining the former view, the propionate
claim
Correct subject-verb agreement
claims
show examples
 that it is the duty of the
government
Use synonyms
 to take care of the
food
Use synonyms
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
. To a large extent, it is like imposing the rules if there are strict rules for junk
food
Use synonyms
 availability.
For example
Linking Words
, if there are limited outlets, many
people
Use synonyms
 will avoid going to
such
Linking Words
 places.
Also
Linking Words
, they can put restrictions on the production of certain
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
. To add to that, the
government
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 can put a restriction on soft drink products. So as much as less availability as less use. So by that, they can control the uses.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I believe that individuals take some
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 for their diet and health.
This
Linking Words
 is because most
people
Use synonyms
 lead a sedentary lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can drive to work
instead
Linking Words
 of riding bicycles. Many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer staying at home to engaging in outdoor activities. In terms of children, they have to face pressure from studying and spend less time on sports.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the prevalence of fast
food
Use synonyms
 and processed
food
Use synonyms
 leads to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 imbalanced diet. Because of the hectic life,
people
Use synonyms
 do not have enough time to prepare
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, junk foods are
favored
Change the spelling
favoured
show examples
 by many customers.
However
Linking Words
, these foods contain too much fat and sugar, which would make
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from dangerous diseases.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time for every person to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of their lifestyle and eating
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I think both are equally responsible,
people
Use synonyms
 must be aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 their own health and take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it,
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
 should find
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 way to put it into
people
Use synonyms
’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure you have a clear thesis statement that outlines your view and the structure of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on smoothly connecting paragraphs and ideas with appropriate transition words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples to fully support your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure to address the task by discussing both views comprehensively and providing a clear personal stance.
task achievement
Increase the specificity of your examples to better illustrate your points and strengthen your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health-conscious decisions
  • self-discipline
  • informed choices
  • personal accountability
  • regulating food industries
  • implementing policies
  • healthy eating
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies for healthy food
  • enabling environment
  • accessible
  • affordable
What to do next:
Look at other essays: