IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents encourage young people to leave when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#parents #people #home
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As the recent
researches
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research
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 have shown there are two main thoughts related to when children should leave their parent’s house.
While
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 some argue that they should leave when they become older ,
the
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apply
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others have a different opinion which says that there is no need.
In
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contrast
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contrast,
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 I personally agree with the first
group
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.
To begin
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 with ,
first
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the first
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group
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 indicates that it is vital for children to leave the house that they were born in .
In
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addition
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addition,
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 they believe
this
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 would lead to many advantages for their lives as they grow
such
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 as
:
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apply
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 receiving more experience from outside of their safe room , learning how to tolerate
with
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apply
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the world around them and how to rely on themselves.
Furthermore
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 with them not leaving not only
this
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 progress could not be achieved but worse could happen.
According to
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 many articles written by university professors parents should let go of their beloved child when the time comes ,
otherwise
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 the result it show itself in
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the from
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from
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form
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 of attachment and many mental issues which could occur after.
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However
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However,
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 the second
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group
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group's
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 thoughts and ideas are based
against
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on
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 their competitor. They illustrate that children should be able to stay as long as they want and
is
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are
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 needed at their father’s house.
Although
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 it may sound
old fashioned
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old-fashioned
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but
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apply
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they have their own reasons. To be specific they insist their
beloved
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loved
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 ones may not be ready for the wilderness outside and we can never be sure when is the right time . In conclusion
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,
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it can be said that both parties have their own understanding of
this
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 subject ,
both
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and both
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 have some solid reasons that
needs
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need
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 to be thought , yet the first
group
Use synonyms
 makes more sense in total specially for
this
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 generation.
Submitted by mhosseinnaseri14 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents some logical structure but lacks clear transitions between ideas which affects the overall coherence. Use more cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Although the introduction and conclusion are present, they could more clearly define the main points and personal opinion. Clarify your position in both the introduction and conclusion to make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Each main point should be elaborated on with specific examples or further explanation. The essay would benefit from more developed paragraphs with concrete examples to support the arguments.
task achievement
The response touches on the task but lacks depth in the discussion of both views. Ensure that both sides of the argument are explored fully with a balanced discussion before providing your own viewpoint.
task achievement
Consider expressing ideas more comprehensively by expanding on each point with detailed explanations or examples. Aim for depth over breadth in your argumentation.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from including relevant, specific examples to support each viewpoint. Real-life situations or hypothetical scenarios can help illustrate your points more vividly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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