IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones in schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays,
school
Add an article
the school
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prohibited
Wrong verb form
prohibit
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 their children
to bring
Change preposition
from bringing
show examples
 mobile
phones
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 to class. I totally agree with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 rules where children need to focus more on the learning process without the distraction of the device. The utilization of mobile
phones
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 efficient
depends
Wrong verb form
depending
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 on the activities. People
uses
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use
show examples
Use synonyms
Add an article
the phone
a phone
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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for surfing
Change preposition
to surf
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 through
internet
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the internet
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, help them with their
assignment
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assignments
show examples
, and
updating
Wrong verb form
update
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 the issues that are happening around the world.
However
Linking Words
, it is not really
appropiate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 to bring
phones
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 to school.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some schools apply
paper based
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paper-based
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 teaching. That
kind
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 of process
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
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 children to be more active in class naturally by doing discussion face to face,
team work
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teamwork
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 and
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
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 analytical thinking skills. Imagine if they bring the
phone
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, they would not put their effort to much to the learning process because they would think any
kind
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 of task would be solved by
phones
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. Another reason is that
,
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apply
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 There
were
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was
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 research about how
phones
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 could impact the capacity of someone's
memory
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. Our
brain
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 has the job
to absorb
Change preposition
of absorbing
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 stimuli every second. Stimuli are the triggers for
Use synonyms
brain
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the brain
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 to work. In
this
Linking Words
 case,
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 are the biggest stimuli. As we know, there are many attractions that we could get from
phone
Use synonyms
. Someone could switch between different
Use synonyms
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of platforms in a very short period of time. Those screening times lead to
increasing
Replace the word
an increase
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 in the speed of our
brain
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 regulation but in a negative way. Our
brain
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could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 cope well enough because many
stimulis
Correct your spelling
stimulus
stimuli
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 right away at the same time and do not have time to absorb them well.
This
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 could
affects
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affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
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someone's term of
memory
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 where it do not get the information well developed. Students
are require
Change the verb form
are required
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 to have a good
memory
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 for memorizing the subjects that were given. If they cannot handle it well, they will
feel
Verb problem
apply
show examples
struggle in order to
following
Change the verb
follow
show examples
 the curricula. In conclusion, despite mobile
phones
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have
Wrong verb form
having
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 positive impact, they
also
Linking Words
give
Verb problem
have
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 downside impact
for
Change preposition
on
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students who currently studying at school. They will rely on
phones
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 in any
kind
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 of
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
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 and
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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short term
Add a hyphen
short-term
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memory
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction provided a clear opinion, which is good for establishing a position, but you could enhance it by offering a brief rationale for your argument. This prepares the reader for the discussion that follows.
task achievement
Be sure to directly answer the question 'To what extent do you agree or disagree?' as this will ensure your response is complete and directly addresses the task's requirement.
coherence cohesion
The essay has logical progression, however, transitions between ideas can be improved for better fluency and cohesion. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to help your essay flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
To improve your main points, develop more elaborated arguments with deeper analysis. This can be done by discussing the counterarguments to provide a balanced view or exploring the consequences and implications of your opinion more thoroughly.
task achievement
While you provided examples to support your ideas, integrating more specific and relevant examples will strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive. Try to use real-world instances or studies where possible to substantiate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Focus
  • Academic performance
  • Distractions
  • Social media
  • Social interaction
  • Cheating
  • Mental health
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Safety
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Equal opportunities
  • Learning environment
  • Technology access
What to do next:
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