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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing, and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #level #health #fitness #measures
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In recent decades, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of
Use synonyms
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 have increased.
This
Linking Words
 results in deteriorating levels of their
overall
Linking Words
 health and fitness. One of the plausible
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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of
Change preposition
for
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this
Linking Words
 situation is
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
apply
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their lack of physical
activities
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activity
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. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, we need a comprehensive approach including
provides
Wrong verb form
providing
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supportive
Add an article
a supportive
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 environment.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
further
Linking Words
 discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 current issue. On the one hand, the development of
transportations
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transportation
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such
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 as
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
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 and
motorcycle
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motorcycles
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 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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made
people
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's lives so much easier.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it reduces
people
Use synonyms
's walking activities which can help prevent
obesity
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 recent study shows that
people
Use synonyms
 who
walks
Change the verb form
walk
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 more than 3 kilometers a day lower the likelihood of
obtain
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
Use synonyms
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 might be the reason why the current
generations'
Change noun form
generation's
show examples
 weight
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 increasing.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
does
Change the verb form
do
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 not like to do physical activities because they can not find the right place.
For example
Linking Words
, the study in Jakarta tells that after the construction of The City Park is done, there are many
people
Use synonyms
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
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 some simple sports
such
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 as badminton and jogging there.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the government should build more supportive places in order to increase the physical activity rates among
population
Add an article
the population
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. In conclusion, one of the causes of
obesity
Use synonyms
 is the decline
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's physical activity rate. The government can solve
this
Linking Words
 problem by
build
Change the verb form
building
show examples
 more sports centres.
However
Linking Words
, to gain a consistent healthy lifestyle,
people
Use synonyms
 should be motivated by themselves.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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Task Achievement
Your essay does address the topic, but the exploration of causes and solutions is somewhat limited. Aim to expand on both areas, offering more in-depth analysis and suggestions.
Logical Structure
Work on developing a clear and consistent structure in your essay with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences and a conclusion that summarises your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Maintain coherence by ensuring that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, using linking words and phrases to connect ideas.
Language Use
Introduce more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to make your writing more engaging.
Introduction & Conclusion
Make your introduction and conclusion more impactful. In the introduction, clearly state the problems and directly respond to the question. In the conclusion, summarise your main points and restate your position clearly.
Supported Main Points
Provide specific and relevant examples to support your main points. This helps to illustrate your argument and makes your essay more convincing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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