In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing, and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
In recent decades, the
numbers
of Fix the agreement mistake
number
obesity
Replace the word
obese
people
have increased. This
results in deteriorating levels of their overall
health and fitness. One of the plausible reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
of
Change preposition
for
this
situation is due to
their lack of physical Change preposition
apply
activities
. To solve Fix the agreement mistake
activity
this
problem, we need a comprehensive approach including provides
Wrong verb form
providing
supportive
environment. Add an article
a supportive
This
essay will further
discuss about
Remove the preposition
apply
this
current issue.
On the one hand, the development of transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
such
as car
and Fix the agreement mistake
cars
motorcycle
has Fix the agreement mistake
motorcycles
been
made Unnecessary verb
apply
people
's lives so much easier. On the other hand
, it reduces people
's walking activities which can help prevent obesity
. For instance
, the
recent study shows that Correct article usage
a
people
who walks
more than 3 kilometers a day lower the likelihood of Change the verb form
walk
obtain
Verb problem
becoming
obesity
. Replace the word
obese
This
might be the reason why the current generations'
weight Change noun form
generation's
are
increasing.
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
In addition
, people
does
not like to do physical activities because they can not find the right place. Change the verb form
do
For example
, the study in Jakarta tells that after the construction of The City Park is done, there are many people
do
some simple sports Correct pronoun usage
who do
such
as badminton and jogging there. Therefore
, the government should build more supportive places in order to increase the physical activity rates among population
.
In conclusion, one of the causes of Add an article
the population
obesity
is the decline of
Change preposition
in
people
's physical activity rate. The government can solve this
problem by build
more sports centres. Change the verb form
building
However
, to gain a consistent healthy lifestyle, people
should be motivated by themselves.Submitted by farrandyerza on
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Task Achievement
Your essay does address the topic, but the exploration of causes and solutions is somewhat limited. Aim to expand on both areas, offering more in-depth analysis and suggestions.
Logical Structure
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Coherence & Cohesion
Maintain coherence by ensuring that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, using linking words and phrases to connect ideas.
Language Use
Introduce more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to make your writing more engaging.
Introduction & Conclusion
Make your introduction and conclusion more impactful. In the introduction, clearly state the problems and directly respond to the question. In the conclusion, summarise your main points and restate your position clearly.
Supported Main Points
Provide specific and relevant examples to support your main points. This helps to illustrate your argument and makes your essay more convincing.
Your opinion
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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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