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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems? What measures could be taken to solve them.

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
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In recent decades, the amount of
people
Use synonyms
 with obesity has increased.
This
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 results in the deteriorating levels of their
overall
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 health and fitness.
One
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 of the plausible reasons why
this
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 happens is because of their lack of physical
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activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
. To overcome
this
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 problem, we need a comprehensive approach
such
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 as self-motivation and building supportive environments. On the
one
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 hand, the development of cars and motorcycles has made
people
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's lives much easier.
However
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,
this
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 is
one
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 of the reasons why
people
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's physical activity rate is decreasing. Approximately 50 years ago,
people
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 need to walk wherever they want to go. Nowadays,
people
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 can use a wide variety of
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 and do not have to walk. The
last
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 study published by the Jakarta Post shows that walking
activities
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 can contribute to shed
people
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's weight.
Therefore
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, cars and motorcycles can be the reason for
this
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 situation. On top of that, sometimes we can not find the right place to do some physical
activities
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. A lot of buildings with limited open-space area might be the reason.
For
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this
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 reason, the government should provide more space that supports physical
activities
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such
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 as city parks.
Nevertheless
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, society should know why physical
activities
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 are important. Obesity is
one
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 of the causes of life-threatening diseases
such
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 as acute coronary syndrome.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should spread awareness about obesity and physical
activities
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. In conclusion,
one
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 of the causes of
this
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 situation is
people
Use synonyms
's lack of physical activity. To increase the physical activity rates, we should build more supportive places and spread more awareness.
This
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 way we can improve citizen's
overall
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 health and fitness.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. While you provided an introduction and conclusion, the main body could benefit from more logical transitions and cohesive devices. This would make the progression of your ideas more fluid and the relationships between them clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop your main points with more detailed explanations or examples. While you have offered some supporting details, deeper analysis or more varied examples would enhance the support for your main points and improve the overall essay quality.
Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas to fully address all parts of the prompt. Your response covers the main task requirements, but try to give equal attention to both causes and solutions. Additionally, use more specific and varied examples to support your points and show a wider range of knowledge on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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