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Band 5.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems? What measures could be taken to solve them.

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
In recent decades, the amount of
people
 with obesity has increased.
This
 results in the deteriorating levels of their
overall
 health and fitness.
One
 of the plausible reasons why
this
 happens is because of their lack of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
. To overcome
this
 problem, we need a comprehensive approach
such
 as self-motivation and building supportive environments. On the
one
 hand, the development of cars and motorcycles has made
people
's lives much easier.
However
,
this
 is
one
 of the reasons why
people
's physical activity rate is decreasing. Approximately 50 years ago,
people
 need to walk wherever they want to go. Nowadays,
people
 can use a wide variety of
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 and do not have to walk. The
last
 study published by the Jakarta Post shows that walking
activities
 can contribute to shed
people
's weight.
Therefore
, cars and motorcycles can be the reason for
this
 situation. On top of that, sometimes we can not find the right place to do some physical
activities
. A lot of buildings with limited open-space area might be the reason.
For
this
 reason, the government should provide more space that supports physical
activities
such
 as city parks.
Nevertheless
, society should know why physical
activities
 are important. Obesity is
one
 of the causes of life-threatening diseases
such
 as acute coronary syndrome.
Therefore
,
people
 should spread awareness about obesity and physical
activities
. In conclusion,
one
 of the causes of
this
 situation is
people
's lack of physical activity. To increase the physical activity rates, we should build more supportive places and spread more awareness.
This
 way we can improve citizen's
overall
 health and fitness.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. While you provided an introduction and conclusion, the main body could benefit from more logical transitions and cohesive devices. This would make the progression of your ideas more fluid and the relationships between them clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop your main points with more detailed explanations or examples. While you have offered some supporting details, deeper analysis or more varied examples would enhance the support for your main points and improve the overall essay quality.
Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas to fully address all parts of the prompt. Your response covers the main task requirements, but try to give equal attention to both causes and solutions. Additionally, use more specific and varied examples to support your points and show a wider range of knowledge on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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