IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #people #countries #adults #governments #money
It is an undeniable fact that the
education
 of
children
 is of paramount importance in
this
 age of fierce competition.
However
, some people are of the opinion that more money should be spent on educating
adults
 who cannot read and write. I partly agree with
this
 statement. I will explain my ideas in
this
 essay. To inaugurate with, the progress of the
country
 depends on the level of
education
 of
children
. If there are more
children
 in the
country
 to get an
education
,
then
 there will be more engineers, teachers, doctors and scientists. All these specialists will help boost the
country
's economy. So, we must ensure that more
children
 are educated to secure the future of the nation.
However
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adults
 who cannot read and write make up a significant portion of our population. If the money is not spent on their
education
, they will not be able to make a living in
this
 competitive world.
As a result
, many of them will eventually turn to crime, leading to an increase in crime rates.
Therefore
, it is imperative that we take urgent action and invest in the
education
 of these
adults
 so that they can find decent jobs for themselves. In the end, they will be able to support the progress of the nation, and not become a burden. In conclusion, I believe that an equal amount of funds/ money should be spent on the
education
 of
children
 and illiterate
adults
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the contribution of everyone is necessary for the
overall
 development of the
country
.
Submitted by vermarohit981.rv on

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Task Achievement
Focus on further expanding and supporting your main points with more detailed examples and reasons. Try to include a wider range of specific examples to illustrate your arguments about the importance of adult education and compare these examples to those used to support child education.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by linking your ideas smoothly with a range of cohesive devices. While your essay has a logical structure, increasing variety and precision in your use of linking words would enhance the coherence of your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should encapsulate the key points of your argument. Consider restating your main points in the conclusion with more emphasis to leave a stronger lasting impression on your reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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