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Band 4.5

It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime cab be attributed to violence in the media. Do you agree that this is the main cause of juvenile crime? What solutions can you offer to deal with this situation?

#crime #cab #violence #media #offer #situation
Nowadays, when the rate of
crime
 grows dramatically, a tendency to increase in juvenile
crime
 can be observed. It is agreed,that there are a huge amount of reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 issue ,
however
 the main
is
Correct pronoun usage
one is
show examples
 the violence in social
media
.
This
 essay,
firstly
, will discuss what are the preconditions which contribute to the spread of
crime
 among teenagers,followed by an analysis of measures which can be taken to reduce
this
.
To begin
 with, young people often suffer from harassment ,since social
media
 has progressed. Undoubtedly, there are other reasons for
this
 development,
such
 as poverty and pure life conditions, but it became more common
as a result
 of the
Internet
Change noun form
Internet's
show examples
 appearance.
Firstly
, cruel peers can be engaged in the bullying ,
due to
 their social status or appearance.
Consequently
 , teenagers with low self-esteem and confidence try to introduce themselves as independent
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different ways ,
such
 as vandalism or even worse drug trafficking.
Moreover
, they have a strong desire to prove something not for their offenders, but for themselves.
Secondly
, there are a lot of fraudsters who intimidate young people by writing threats in order to obtain money,
therefore
 children try to find illegal ways to gain it.
Thus
, social
media
 is considered to be dangerous.
Nevertheless
,
parents
 and
cyberpolice
Correct your spelling
cyber police
show examples
 can reduce risks by providing some special conversations with them.
For example
, it is necessary to have some consultations with police officers accessible in schools.
Furthermore
,
parents
 should be aware of the dangers, so it would be better to conduct lessons for
parents
 too.
In addition
 , children have to trust their
parents
 and teachers,
therefore
 it is important not to reduce their access to the Internet,but to give them
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 feeling of confidence. Of course , when they are close to each other , older ones will be able to notice some changes in their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and detect the danger as soon as possible.
To conclude
,
this
 essay agrees with the idea that a huge amount of teenagers suffer from violence in social
media
,
thus
 safety measures have to be adopted in order to defend children from involvement in
crime
.
Submitted by amina.ilyuk8 on

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Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement score, ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. Provide a more balanced discussion on whether media violence is the main cause of juvenile crime and offer a wider range of solutions specifically targeting the issue. Use more precise and varied examples to strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the logical structure of your essay by clearly delineating paragraphs with topic sentences that align with your main ideas. Use transition words to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively and create a smoother flow throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Expand upon your main points by offering more detailed examples and explanations. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea with adequate support to make your arguments more convincing. This will also help to clarify your ideas and provide a comprehensive response to the essay prompt.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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