IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

It is argued that many
children
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 suffer from
diseases
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 and
this
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 happens
due to
Linking Words
 having
vaccines
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.
This
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 is a debatable
issue
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 which has a counter of reasons that would be considered to solve
this
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issue
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such
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 as
parents
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 ought to decide whether they consume
vaccines
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 for common
diseases
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 or not,
otherwise
Linking Words
, they should make a law to impose
such
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 type of
issue
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 to protect their
children
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will provide reasons and examples to support
this
Linking Words
issue
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 in
further
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 detail. The first and foremost argument is why
parents
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 should make a law to immunise their
children
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 to fight common
diseases
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. The reason behind
this
Linking Words
 is that if
this
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 never happens
then
Linking Words
 it would be worse situation can arise to breathe the oxygen or could be a death situation for their
children
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.
For instance
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, in China, many
diseases
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 were spreading because of taking multiple
vaccines
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 and doing research on
children
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 to develop their economy for the world.
Therefore
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, it is crucial to take action and make a reform to the government against the use of
vaccines
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 for normal types of
diseases
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 which can be cured by ayurvedic herbs and natural therapy.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
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 type of step brings more benefits to the
children
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's health and their
parents
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 who always want them to be healthy and safe to survive a long life.
For instance
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, in a recent article, many businesses are producing herbal medicines which cure diabetes and thyroid
diseases
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, and claim that there were 60% of patients are
parents
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 diagnosed with
this
Linking Words
 and recovered from
this
Linking Words
 company's products.
Hence
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 having
vaccines
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 can save better lives but in the long-term effects in many ways. In conclusion, various antidotes can prevent critical
diseases
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 but are not helpful for common
diseases
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, especially for
children
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.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should have the right to deal with
this
Linking Words
 situation and raise their voices to protect their future generation.

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coherence cohesion
To strengthen the coherence and cohesion of your essay, focus on creating a clear logical structure that guides the reader through your argument. Use linking words to connect ideas and maintain a consistent flow throughout.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but could be more effectively crafted to clearly present the topic and summarize the main points of discussion without introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more relevant, specific examples or evidence. Doing so will strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Ensure your essay is a complete response to the task by addressing both sides of the argument including the perspective that parents should be made by law to immunise their children and the view that they should have the right to choose.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on your ideas to make them more comprehensive. Each paragraph should explore a specific point in depth and relate directly back to the question.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to directly support your argument. This will demonstrate your understanding of the topic and add weight to your points.
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