This days older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves for example and holding other than same money for their children is this a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, it has become a popular train to invest in the
well being
of future generations Add a hyphen
well-being
while
some people
think this
is good
demonstration of care for their heir, I Add an article
a good
I give
that children should be completely Verb problem
believe
self responsible
for their financial state.
One of the reasons why Add a hyphen
self-responsible
people
do what themselves to work at the young age is to enjoy life and become older how about they are only losing their opportunity by spending their preserved money on their children in state
they DJ how to utilise Add an article
the state
there
finance to realise some of their dreamsReplace the word
their
Add the comma(s)
, for example,
for example
they can travel the world visit famous sites go to the cinema etc. aur over when young people
are not bad parents
a final dreams they feel more responsible instead
of living there in their parents
pockets there heir will start earning for living by themselves study to improve the skills and aspire for a better carrier in the future Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
as a result
day will continuously progress in that earning and development self efficient
individuals Add a hyphen
self-efficient
additionally
by having enough money children can also
contribute to the valving of their parents
thus
by the meeting the amount of money they give the actual run older people
answer a better future for the next generations
To conclude
it is commonly believe
that the elderly should fill responsible for Change the verb form
is commonly believed
their
financial Change the word
the
supports
of their heir Fix the agreement mistake
support
parents
to give them room for self improvements
and to ensure that they grow as Fix the agreement mistake
improvement
financial
independent individualsChange the word
financially
Submitted by tpatel.291105 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your main argument. The introduction in the essay was somewhat unclear and requires more specific background information.
task achievement
Work on a clear thesis statement that outlines your opinion and main points.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully with clear explanations and relevant examples. The essay lacked depth in the explanation of ideas and sufficient examples to support the argument.
task achievement
Make sure you write a clear conclusion summarizing your main points and restating your opinion. The conclusion in the essay was too general and lacked a clear summary of previous points.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with a clear and logical structure, using paragraphs effectively to distinguish between different ideas. The essay's structure was somewhat disorganized, impacting its coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices (linking words, pronouns, etc.) effectively to help the flow of the essay. This essay could have used more linking words to connect ideas.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.