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Band 4

advantage and disadvantage of telling children that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

#advantage #children
Nowadays, In numerous countries a
number
 of
parents
 encourage their children
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that they can gain anything if they try hard enough.
Consequently
, children or youngsters are provoked that achieve their goals.
However
,
this
 argument has a few cons. On the one hand, all the kids have a
number
 of dreams.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most of the kids like to be a pilot when they get older.
Therefore
, their
parents
 should encourage and help them
due to
 the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 they will have a career of interest
then
 when they will get adults.
As a result
, they will have a perfect income
consequently
 they can fulfil their needs, if they have a financial problem.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should make a
number
 of TV shows, movies, cartoons or documentary films about who when someone was a child he or she liked to be a doctor when he or she got older.
Consequently
, they tried hard and achieved
this
 goal.
On the other hand
, If they try hard, and they can not achieve
what ever
Correct your spelling
whatever
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 they want, They will probably have a
number
 of mental illnesses in the future.
However
, In my point of view, It is not extremely essential if you can not gain anything in
this
 world we have many
folk
Change to a plural noun
folks
show examples
 that they can not gain anything or like them.
on
Capitalize word
On
show examples
 the contrary, they don't give up and try again and
finally
 make their dreams in real life. In conclusion, we have a
number
 of benefits that
parents
 and
also
 governments should encourage the kids and believe them even if their dreams are not extremely logical.
Moreover
, when they get older and can not achieve everything they want their
parents
 should encourage them again
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 their children achieve their goals.
Submitted by bazarjanimohammadreza83 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are discussed equally and thoroughly to provide a balanced argument.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments, which helps to demonstrate the validity of your points and make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the structure of your essay by organizing it into clear paragraphs, each with a central idea, and using linking words to show the relationship between ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to employ a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic proficiency.
Coherence & Cohesion
In the conclusion, aim to summarise both sides of the argument concisely and state your overall opinion to provide closure to the essay.
Task Achievement
Check for grammatical errors and work on sentence construction for better clarity and accuracy.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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