IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

in many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hairstyles according to latest fashion. why is this happening? is this a positive or a negative development?

#countries #world #people #clothes #hairstyles #fashion #development
In several countries worldwide, people buy clothes and choose hairstyles
according to
 the latest fashion. I opine that nowadays many modern professions need certain looks in order to gain trust and respect. It is a negative development, in my view,
this
 trend could form a depression in the population. On the one hand, the main reason behind
this
 trend is many occupations in the modern days can
therefore
 gain a positive outcome by following the latest style.
For example
, in Thailand, the lawyer may find it easier to get a client by wearing clothes
according to
 the newest fashion.
This
 can result in significant profit.
In addition
, it may be difficult for a great number of citizens to trust
such
 lawyers who do not choose their appearances
according to
 the newest style. Stylish outfits can be
otherwise
 projected as an open-minded personality.
On the other hand
, the key problem is buying modern clothes can be
hence
 ultimately expensive.
For instance
, in order to follow the latest fashion people need to keep buying new shirts or pants, constantly.
Thus
, one will encounter several financial problems
such
 as bankruptcy.
For
this
 reason, citizens will develop a negative sense of well-being.
Consequently
, they may find themselves unworthy and can potentially develop depression in most of the population.
To conclude
, from my perspective, the key reason behind
this
 prospect is nowadays society a lot of professions need certain looks in order to gain trust and respect. I think that it is a negative development for society.
This
 trend could start a noticeable number of depressed people worldwide
Submitted by amittawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
The essay has a structure, but it needs more clear and distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should contain one central idea with supporting examples.
introduction/conclusion
Introduction should paraphrase the question and provide a clear thesis statement. The conclusion needs to summarize the main points without adding new information.
coherence
Ensure clear topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph and use linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
support
Give specific examples to support your main points. Each claim should be backed up with evidence or an example that is directly related to the question.
task response
Address the question directly and make sure to discuss both parts of the question: why the trend is happening and its positive or negative impact.
language
Avoid ambiguous expressions and keep the language formal. Check for grammar and vocabulary errors to improve clarity and accuracy.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: