Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
The quality well-being of the
citizen
has been a contentious topic for a long time. It is thought by some Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
people
that raising the amount of activities, such
as sports
, would enhance the health
conditions of people
and recognised
as an optimal way to foster healthy habits. Add a missing verb
be recognised
On the contrary
, opponents of this
view point
argue that a more comprehensive way must be introduced to cultivate Correct your spelling
viewpoint
healthy
society and creating more Correct article usage
a healthy
sports
facilities are not sufficient. Both parties represent merits , however
, raising awareness, educating people
along
with
fostering more Change preposition
apply
sports related
opportunities is a proper way to increase healthy habits among Add a hyphen
sports-related
people
which in turn ensures quality public health
.
Advocates of introducing more sports
faclities
advocate that Correct your spelling
facilities
sports
helps
Change the verb form
help
buil
not only our cognitive ability but Correct your spelling
build
also
fosters
numerous Correct subject-verb agreement
foster
health
benifits
. Correct your spelling
benefits
Sports
games, such
as football, cricket, and
badminton etc. Correct word choice
apply
ensures
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensure
healthy
body. Individuals could learn a new skill and practice them to play Add an article
a healthy
competitvely
on a global level. Correct your spelling
competitively
Health
disparities, for
example
obesity, Add the comma(s)
example,
high
cholesterol would decline significantly ensuring Correct word choice
and high
prime
level of public Add an article
a prime
the prime
health
. Moreover
, Such
a movement would cultivate various careeristic opportunities for citizens and create economic benifits
for the country.
The Correct your spelling
benefits
people
opposing to
Change preposition
apply
this
viewpoint argue that more measures need to be taken to create a healthy environment. The government must educate people
and raise campaigns to battle unhealthiness among people
. Although
,
rising Remove the comma
apply
sports
opportunites
and facilities would impact public Correct your spelling
opportunities
health
, to make a greater effect, adequate measures are important for a
holistic development of the Correct article usage
the
people
. Campaigns could instruct people
to build healthy eating habits. Additionally
, educating people
of
the disastrous ailments associated with Change preposition
about
sedentary
lifestyle would foster alertness in Correct article usage
a sedentary
the
society.
In conclusion, both viewpoints are justifiable, Correct article usage
apply
nevertheless
, in my opinion, striking a balance between two aspects would ensure holistic development of the society and cultivate a healthy environment. Through such
a movement, both the citizen and the country would flourish economically and enhance the public health
sector.Submitted by nehakarmakar45 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, which is elaborated on with examples and explanations. At times, the essay presents broad statements without delving into specifics, which could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure to eliminate awkward phrasing and improve readability. The flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by the grammatical inaccuracies, impacting the essay's overall clarity.
task achievement
When discussing both views, aim to offer a more balanced discussion. The essay currently seems skewed towards one viewpoint. Remember to discuss each side of the argument with equal focus and depth.
task achievement
Incorporate more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments. Rather than making generic statements, use precise evidence or scenarios from real life, studies, or hypothetical situations to reinforce your points.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion successfully restates the essay prompt and provides your own opinion, but it could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs to give a more rounded finish to the essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to spelling, including the correct spelling of 'sports facilities' and consistent use of either British or American English conventions throughout to maintain consistency in your writing style.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example