Some people think that zoos are cruel and all the zoos should be closed. However, others think that zoos are useful to protect rare animals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #zoos #animals

It is often argued by some that zoos

plays

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play

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and

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important role in saving

animals

especially

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, especially

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the rare ones,

while

others think that zoo has to be shut down as

Correct pronoun usage

they

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disturbs

Correct subject-verb agreement

disturb

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the

animal

Fix the agreement mistake

animals

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natural livelihood.

This

essay will elaborate on both

the

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apply

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points and will include my view

over

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show examples

Correct pronoun usage

them

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. Zoos

has

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have

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become an entertainment place to visit, especially

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for

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children in recent years. Many support the ideology of having

zoo

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a zoo

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, as it has various valuable reasons for it .

Firstly

, it helps in preventing the extinction of various rare kinds of animal species.

Secondly

, a growing study of research has mentioned that

Remove the comma

apply

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the hunting cruelty towards

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

wild creatures has vastly reduced after the opening of zoological parks.

Additionally

, because of the idea of protecting beings inside the zoo has guaranteed better care for

animals

including timely food,

proper

Correct word choice

and proper

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medical attention when required.

For example

, the government invest a part of their budget to safeguard and for the betterment of these living beings.

As a result

, they benefit in various ways than, if they are still in the woods.

On the other hand

, many feel that it is very cruel to keep the wild ones inside the cage and support the closure of these parks. There are many other supporting points to

this

decision. First of all, it restricts most of the natural habits of these creatures.

In addition

, many rare breeds are forced to

involve

Wrong verb form

be involved

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breeding

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the breeding

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process

due to

the fear of being extinct.

Similarly

, the livelihood of the caged beings

are

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disturbed because of the public interference in the name of visits. In conclusion, I personally encourage the functioning of

menagerie

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the menagerie

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as its benefits

outweighs

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outweigh

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the demerits.

However

, the government should intervene and make sure that the

animals

are not forced to breed and to reduce the public nuisance caused to the

animals

by implementing

fixed

Correct article usage

a fixed

show examples

time for visiting these areas.

Submitted by xoxo on Sat Feb 10 2024

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introduction

Ensure that the essay introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's intention to discuss both views before giving their own opinion.

paragraphing

Make certain that each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting details and examples.

cohesion

Use a greater variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas between and within paragraphs.

task response

To fully achieve the task, provide specific examples and evidence to support the points made in the essay.

grammatical range and accuracy

Check grammar and spelling to ensure accuracy and enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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12Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
21Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

316 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

animal welfare
conservation
captive breeding
habitat
ethical issues
zoochosis
endangered species
genetic diversity
reintroduction programs
wildlife education
sanctuary
natural living conditions
artificial environments
behavioral enrichment
ecosystem

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