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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that zoos are cruel and all the zoos should be closed. However, others think that zoos are useful to protect rare animals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #zoos #animals
It is often argued by some that zoos
plays
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play
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and
Correct your spelling
an
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 important role in saving
animals
especially
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, especially
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 the rare ones,
while
 others think that zoo has to be shut down as
it
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they
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disturbs
Correct subject-verb agreement
disturb
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 the
animal
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animals
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 natural livelihood.
This
 essay will elaborate on both
the
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apply
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points and will include my view
over
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on
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. Zoos
has
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have
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 become an entertainment place to visit, especially
by
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for
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 children in recent years. Many support the ideology of having
zoo
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a zoo
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, as it has various valuable reasons for it .
Firstly
, it helps in preventing the extinction of various rare kinds of animal species.
Secondly
, a growing study of research has mentioned that
,
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apply
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 the hunting cruelty towards
the
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apply
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wild creatures has vastly reduced after the opening of zoological parks.
Additionally
, because of the idea of protecting beings inside the zoo has guaranteed better care for
animals
 including timely food,
proper
Correct word choice
and proper
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 medical attention when required.
For example
, the government invest a part of their budget to safeguard and for the betterment of these living beings.
As a result
, they benefit in various ways than, if they are still in the woods.
On the other hand
, many feel that it is very cruel to keep the wild ones inside the cage and support the closure of these parks. There are many other supporting points to
this
 decision. First of all, it restricts most of the natural habits of these creatures.
In addition
, many rare breeds are forced to
involve
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be involved
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 in
breeding
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the breeding
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 process
due to
 the fear of being extinct.
Similarly
, the livelihood of the caged beings
are
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is
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 disturbed because of the public interference in the name of visits. In conclusion, I personally encourage the functioning of
menagerie
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the menagerie
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 as its benefits
outweighs
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outweigh
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 the demerits.
However
, the government should intervene and make sure that the
animals
 are not forced to breed and to reduce the public nuisance caused to the
animals
 by implementing
fixed
Correct article usage
a fixed
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 time for visiting these areas.
Submitted by xoxo on

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introduction
Ensure that the essay introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's intention to discuss both views before giving their own opinion.
paragraphing
Make certain that each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting details and examples.
cohesion
Use a greater variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas between and within paragraphs.
task response
To fully achieve the task, provide specific examples and evidence to support the points made in the essay.
grammatical range and accuracy
Check grammar and spelling to ensure accuracy and enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • animal welfare
  • conservation
  • captive breeding
  • habitat
  • ethical issues
  • zoochosis
  • endangered species
  • genetic diversity
  • reintroduction programs
  • wildlife education
  • sanctuary
  • natural living conditions
  • artificial environments
  • behavioral enrichment
  • ecosystem
What to do next:
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