IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present time, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of the situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Lately, a plethora of topics are being seriously talked about among various individuals and groups, and
one
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 prominent topic is older
people
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. There are even
people
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 who observe that the number of
elders
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 in societies is much more than past. In the succeeding,
this
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 situation whether the benefits over the disadvantages are to be discussed
along with
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 the writer's view on the matter. The first point to emphasise is the population of elder
people
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 started being a burden. It is a common fact that governments operating and maintaining public systems rely on annual taxes taken from youngers at present the public funds are unable to afford it
due to
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 the number of
elders
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 being huge since the latest medical technologies extend the average lifespan of
people
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. To illustrate, a tax received from
one
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 worker normally can cover two
elders
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 for their health care or well-being system
according to
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 related organizations report, but now the situation started the opposite, two workers for
one
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 elder thereby already brings an enormous burden for adults.
Hence
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, the disadvantages are more than the advantages of
this
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 phenomenon. Another idea worth stressing is that adults are refusing to have children in
this
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 situation. The reason is that they have no extra money to cultivate the next generations. To exemplify, a salary has to be consumed for elder care, daily costs, rental, fuel etc, especially, the first
one
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 occupies a huge part of the pie.
Moreover
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, aged care is a big consumption as compared with others. In conclusion, the large number of
elders
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 in societies is because of medical advancement because they can enjoy a long lifespan, but it
also
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 brings unnecessary weight to societal environments, especially, for adults.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but the ideas could be developed more thoroughly. Consider expanding on points, giving more detailed explanations, and ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting information.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Organize your thoughts in a way that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. Use linking phrases effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples. Your essay will be stronger if you support your claims with concrete examples or evidence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • disposable income
  • stimulating economic activities
  • volunteer
  • community services
  • public pension systems
  • healthcare services
  • shortage of workers
  • productivity
  • immigration
  • social implications
  • elder care services
  • technological advancement
  • Inter-generational relationships
  • knowledge transfer
  • ageism
  • infrastructure
  • age-friendly
  • public transportation
  • accessibility
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