Some people belive that too many resources and attention are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Protecting wild
animals
is seen a
key to saving the balance of the ecosystem by some experts. A large amount of money is spent on saving wild Change preposition
as a
animals
todays
. It can be easily stated that since there are more pressing issues like Correct your spelling
today
housing
Add an article
the housing
crisis
, and climate change on the earth, protecting wild animals
should not be prioritized.
One of the significant problems is housing
Add an article
a housing
the housing
crisis
, which has been affecting numerous people
across the world
in recent years. To clarify, our world
has been suffering from a huge economic crisis
for the last
five years, this
situation resulted in high
level of Add an article
a high
the high
unemployment
rate, especially, in suburban areas. In order to find new job opportunities, individuals have moved to city Add an article
the unemployment
centers
, unevitably, Change the spelling
centres
this
pattern ended up a
housing Change preposition
with a
crisis
in the centers
of cities. Change the spelling
centres
In other words
, as the population of towns has incresed
Correct your spelling
increased
,;
Change the punctuation
,
;
however
the number of housings
remained unchanged, Fix the agreement mistake
housing
the
demand for condos can not afford by supplies. Correct word choice
and the
Therefore
, investing in building affordable houses in the centre of the towns, would have more remarkable benefits on
Change preposition
for
lives
of Correct article usage
the lives
people
. To sum up
, spending time or money on new residental
areas, Correct your spelling
residential
instead
of saving wild animals
, should be accepted as a top of
priority by governments.
Change preposition
apply
On the other hand
, climate change has tremendous effects on people
's life
, including rising sea levels, Fix the agreement mistake
lives
depletion
of Correct word choice
and depletion
ozone
layer. Unless these impacts do not solve, the Add an article
the ozone
world
will become an area, where anyone can not live on it. For instance
, carbondioxide
Correct your spelling
carbon dioxide
emmision
is one of the major causes of Correct your spelling
emission
ozon
layer depletion, which may result in an increase in skin cancer Correct your spelling
ozone
prevelance
among Correct your spelling
prevalence
people
in the future. Changing transportation means from motorized vehicles to bicycles may alleviate the overall
carbondioxide
release to the atmosphere, and may prevent the depletion of Correct your spelling
carbon dioxide
Correct article usage
the ozon
ozon
layer. With that perspective, spending budgets Correct your spelling
ozone
of
bicycle paths would make a Change preposition
for
word
of difference in terms of annual carbon release. In comparison with saving wild Correct your spelling
world
animals
, reducing personal carbon footprint may be more benefical
to society. In Correct your spelling
beneficial
this
way more
livable environment may Correct article usage
a more
maintain
.
Wrong verb form
be maintained
To conclude
, when all these factors are taken into account, since
there are many challenging concerns, Correct word choice
apply
such
as climate change and housing
Correct article usage
the housing
crisis
acroos
the Correct your spelling
across
world
. Governments should prioritize these issues rather than the extinction of wild animals
, and donate money on
organizations, which Change preposition
to
building
apartment blocks Wrong verb form
build
in
cheaper Change preposition
for
prizes
Correct your spelling
prices
,
or Remove the comma
apply
infrastructe
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
fro
more bicycle roads on Correct your spelling
for
streets
.Correct article usage
the streets
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Coherence & Cohesion
It is evident that you understand the general requirements of the task and have made an attempt to organize your essay. However, to enhance the logical structure, aim for more seamless transitions between your ideas. Use linking phrases that not only connect sentences but also show relationships between paragraphs and the overall argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion that specifically address the prompt. It is good that they are present, but they should more explicitly outline your stance on the topic and summarily restate your main points in the conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your main points with specific examples and detailed supporting arguments. Some parts of the essay tend to assert opinions without backing them up. Seek out relevant facts, statistics, or studies that lend credibility to your arguments.
Task Achievement
The essay partially fulfills the task by discussing the necessary issues. However, to improve your score, ensure that your essay directly answers the question of the extent to which you agree or disagree throughout the essay and not just at the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Your ideas need to be expressed more comprehensively. Work on expanding on the ideas presented, linking them closely to the question, and fully developing your arguments to demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
While your essay attempts to use examples, they often lack specificity or direct relevance to the prompt. Integrate examples that are directly related to wildlife protection and how they compare to the other issues you've discussed like housing crises and climate change.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?