IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many people are afraid to leave their homes because of the fear of crime. Some believe that more actions should be taken to prevent crime. Others feel that little can be done. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #homes #fear #crime #believe #actions
Nowadays human beings have issues with birth rates because of improvements in healthcare and the amount of the
population
 getting older which can be an arduous problem for humanity.I agree with
this
 statement to a maximum extent and my essay will elaborate on
this
 in the following paragraphs. In the first place
according to
 the statistics countries
such
 as Italy,France,the UK,and Japan have a negative
trend
 in
population
,which can cause world economics to regress.
Moreover
 in certain countries in Asia and Europe, there are stable
trend
 of getting older
population
,which started approximately in 20 century because of wars in 1914-1918 and 1939-1945,respectively.
For instance
Add a comma
,
show examples
Russia,which is the biggest country in the world
population
 number made up 150 million people in 2024,
while
 the numbers of
population
 of
this
 country in 1914 accounted for 145 million,which is an example of and influence of wars in 20's century. Another reason is that human beings have many more opportunities and ways to increase their lives,which can
also
effects
Verb problem
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
population
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
.
The another
Remove the article
Another
show examples
 reason can be
childfree
Add an article
a childfree
the childfree
show examples
trend
 in North America and Europe in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cases,which
influance
Correct your spelling
influences
 specifically
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
population
 figures in modern days.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 the amount of
population
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 gradually
fell
Change the verb form
fallen
show examples
 because of modern trends,which is
common
Add an article
a common
show examples
 issue
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
european
Change the capitalization
European
show examples
 countries. It may be concluded from the essay that humanity
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 problems with
population
,which should be one of the main issues for people.Hopefully
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
areas
such
 as Central Asia,Africa,
South
Correct word choice
and South
show examples
 America have
posive
Correct your spelling
positive
population
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
,which can be
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 example for all humanity in the future.
Submitted by kassymov_99 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses the given topic. The response seems to discuss the issue of population trends and birth rates, which is not relevant to the provided prompt concerning crime prevention. You should clearly present both sides of the argument related to crime prevention and then give your own opinion on the matter.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs supporting each view, and a conclusion that restates your opinion. The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion that are relevant to the subject of crime prevention. The structure should clearly differentiate between the views discussed and your personal stance.
coherence and cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples and explanations. While you provided some examples, make sure they are relevant to the topic of crime prevention. Expanding on why these examples are pertinent will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, reread the prompt to ensure you are on topic and covering the key points requested. Addressing the correct topic is essential for a high IELTS score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: