IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Young people today are under pressure to do well at
school
Use synonyms
 and go on to higher education
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 find a good job.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 many people think that
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 are
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of time and that schools should only focus on more academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. I would disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion and in
this
Linking Words
 essay will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
 there is a variety of
skills
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
taught in
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 that are essential for living. A
school
Use synonyms
 should not only
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
focus on academic areas but should give
children
Use synonyms
 a range of
skills
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 learn teamwork, discipline, leadership
skills
Use synonyms
 and how to solve problems with
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, not all
children
Use synonyms
 want and need academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. It is not important for everybody to go
higher
Change preposition
to higher
show examples
 education and have good
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in
school
Use synonyms
. There are some
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 that teach
children
Use synonyms
 to be more successful and find work easier.
Subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 cookery and woodwork will be good for some students and give possibilities for job opportunities as chefs or furniture makers,
for example
Linking Words
.
Body paragraph 3
Finally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
a school
show examples
 can be very stressful and if all
subjects
Use synonyms
 are only very academic
then
Linking Words
 it is bad for
children
Use synonyms
.
Non academic
Add a hyphen
Non-academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 like physical education and music reduce their stress better than only with academic
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I argue that
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 are important because they can help
children
Use synonyms
 learn
skills
Use synonyms
, find work and reduce stress. A
school
Use synonyms
 should not only be
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
 on academic success but teach lots of
skills
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance your task response, ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses the prompt. Develop your arguments further by adding more specific examples and evidence for each point you make. This helps in providing a more complete response to the essay question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay shows good organization and structure, which aids in coherence and cohesion. To improve, consider varying your sentence structures and using more transitional phrases to better link ideas within and between paragraphs. This will further enhance the logical flow of your arguments.
task achievement
To bolster your task achievement score, aim to include more specific examples and real-world evidence to support your arguments. This will add depth to your essay and make your points more persuasive and comprehensive.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: