Some people think that with combined effort on the part of the government and society crime can be completely eradicated, while others argue that this is completely hypothetical, and that crime has always been present in societies even in an ancient time. Discuss these two views. Which one do you agree with?
In the modern era, some groups of society discuss that
crime
can be eliminated from community
but others oppose it and believe it is part of human nature. With all due respect to the second standpoint, I fully endorse the first one and believe it can be eliminated by Add an article
the community
increeasing
promotion and Correct your spelling
increasing
train
children and a better economy.
Wrong verb form
training
To begin
with, it is believed by some individuals that government can get rid of felony
by taking some steps. First of all, schools should train children and make them reluctant to Fix the agreement mistake
felonies
illegal
acts. So, after 20 to 30 years, that nation is way far cleaner than before and Add a missing verb
do illegal
next
generations can transfer it to their children and Correct article usage
the next
hence
, it gets
part of their culture. In 1999, Verb problem
becomes
for example
, Japan was one of the nations with most
Correct word choice
the highest
crime
rate. But, the Japanese government added social teaching to the school lectures and now Japan is the fifth safest country in the world. Additionally
, countries with worse economy
are more unsafe. Fix the agreement mistake
economies
Therefore
, it indicates that most people
may not want to commit a crime
, but because of financial problems, they are forced to do it. Accordingly
, Correct article usage
the govrnment
govrnment
can establish factories and Correct your spelling
government
governments
make
more jobs for the nation which can reduce Verb problem
create
crime
rate. In my region, Add an article
the crime
for example
, crime
rate has reduced by 23 percent in Add an article
the crime
recent
4 years just because some oil factories Correct word choice
the last
has
been founded near our town and more Change the verb form
have
people
have permanent jobs.
On the other hand
, some individuals think that crime
is an inevitable part of a community which can't be completely eliminated. From the initial days of human creation, there always have been some humans that misuse other's trust and just think about themselves and no culture and region is exception
. Even in Add an article
an exception
the exception
some
it is believed that human colony began from two brothers that one of them killed the other to steal his food and it is accepted as the first Add a comma
some,
crime
of humanity. In a cave near may
town, for Correct your spelling
my
exmaple
, there are some tablets related to about 13000 years ago which some of the show some Correct your spelling
example
people
fight others to gain their properties.
To conclude
, there is an ongoing controversy whether
society can be cleaned of illegal actions or not. I actually believe that Change preposition
about whether
It's
is discardable with the collaboration between Verb problem
it
people
and law men
by advertising it and Correct your spelling
lawmen
decrease
financial problems.Wrong verb form
decreasing
Submitted by yasinkooshki13866 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Coherence & Task Response
Your essay presents a clear opinion, which is good. However, it sometimes lacks clarity in the argument development. Work on expanding and explaining your ideas more fully to achieve better coherence and task response.
Logical Structure
To improve logical structure, aim for a more methodical flow of ideas. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, expand on that idea, and finish with a conclusive statement that ties back to the essay's main argument.
Supported Main Points
Each body paragraph should focus on one main idea. This will enhance the essay's clarity and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
Introduction & Conclusion
Make sure to include an introduction with a clear thesis statement and a conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates your position. This strengthens the structure of your essay.
Task Achievement
To better address the task, ensure that your argument directly and thoroughly responds to all parts of the prompt. Expand on your ideas with detailed analysis and avoid overly broad statements.
Relevant Specific Examples
Your use of examples is positive, but aim to connect them more effectively to your argument. Each example should clearly illustrate the point you're trying to make.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
