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Band 5.5

Young people today are better qualified than they were in the past. Some people argue that this is because competition for jobs is greater than it used to be. Other say that people only continued their education because the opportunities exist for them to do so. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

#people #competition #jobs #education #opportunities #points
Nowadays, with the development of education and technological
advancements
Add a comma
advancements,
show examples
 it becomes clear that young
individuals
 are more intelligent than in the past.
While
 some argue that
this
 happens because
individuals
 have to compete with others for an excellent position, others believe that job varieties play a greater role.
This
 essay will discuss both viewpoints and provide my opinion in the conclusion. On the one hand, competing for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dream work is a decent stimulator for
individuals
 to attain high living standards. The
cometition
Correct your spelling
competition
 brings a person awareness about other professions,
therefore
 motivates for getting professionally better in their career.
For example
, many Australian companies organise group interviews to evaluate candidates selecting the most skilled one.
As a result
, the failure
for
Change preposition
of
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 uncessessful members provides a clear picture about the areas of improvement.
On the other hand
, a broad range of career options offers a future employee a choice for an exact occupation they want to have.
This
 means that, based on the interests,
individuals
 can truly enjoy their
engagment
Correct your spelling
engagement
 in the company, not just following financial stability.
For instance
, the recent introduction of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art therapy for children allows people, who worked in the same industry
with
Change preposition
as
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 adults before, to teach young learners how to express their feelings through painting.
Consequently
, those who have a passion for working with kids rather than older students can feel more
satified
Correct your spelling
satisfied
 in
this
 job. In conclusion, both a competition and
great
Correct article usage
a great
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 selection of occupations hold merit for different
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
individuals
. I wholeheartedly believe that for some,
compering
Correct your spelling
comparing
show examples
 their abilities with others positively affects their motivation,
while
 a variety of opportunities guides society to realise what they truly enjoy doing in their life.
Submitted by innakireeva0101 on

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Task Achievement
To enhance task achievement, try to include more varied and detailed examples that directly support your arguments. Doing so can help demonstrate the breadth of your understanding and strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you're doing a great job structuring your essay and connecting ideas. To further improve, consider using a wider range of linking phrases to demonstrate your ability to connect ideas more fluidly. Also, ensure that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next to maintain the flow of your narrative.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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