The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with health issue involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent you agree or dis agree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum #dis

Owing to the problem which the growing population of overweight causes to the health care system,some people think that a key to solving

this

issue is to have more sports and physical activities in school education.I completely agree with

this

statement as it is the best way to tackle

this

issue of deteriorating public health in relation to weight. First and the foremost solution to the problem surrounding weight and obesity is to inculcate more sports and physical activities in the school curriculum.

This

is a long-term approach and ensures that the new generation will be healthier and more active.If one sport for each student

will be

Wrong verb form

show examples

made compulsory

then

they will start developing their interest in

such

exercises and even accept them as their hobbies.

this

will undoubtedly make them fitter and

smart

Correct word choice

smarter

show examples

. Another solution to be considered is to provide more sports lessons to pupils and encourage them to take part in events

such

as game competitions and races.

As a result

of it, they will adopt a congenial lifestyle and acquire some useful skills

such

as sportsmanship , teamwork, and leadership qualities.

Moreover

, children who participate in events

also

encourage their parents to do regular exercises and workouts.

Thus

,parents with sporty children will more contribute to forming a healthier society.

Furthermore

, the involvement of parents and pupils can

also

be increased by introducing yoga classes for both in school . In a nutshell, dealing with the unfit population

, Changing

Correct your spelling

and changing

the lifestyle of the coming generation by adding more physical exercise is the easiest and most effective method.

Submitted by hamnafatima535 on Mon Feb 12 2024

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coherence cohesion

Strengthen the logical structure of your essay by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by relevant examples. Avoid jumping between ideas without a clear connection. Use linking words and phrases to improve flow.

coherence cohesion

Ensure a clear introduction that outlines your main points and a conclusion that summarises your argument and stance. This helps in creating a strong structure for your essay.

task achievement

Incorporate more varied and specific examples to support your arguments. This could include data, research findings, or case studies that highlight the effects of physical education on health.

task achievement

Work on presenting clear, comprehensive ideas. This means fully developing your argument in each paragraph and ensuring there's a logical progression of ideas throughout your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

256 words

6.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

strain on the health care system
introduce
physical education
curriculum
overweight
nutrition
balanced diet
obesity-related diseases
genetic factors
socioeconomic status
reevaluation
academic priorities
holistic approach
public health policies
community support

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