IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many food and drink prodcuts contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary Products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #prodcuts #levels #sugar #health #products #people
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These days many problems can occur
as a result
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 of consuming too much
sugar
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 in everyday
food
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 and drinks. Naturally, the high level of
sugar
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 in
body
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the body
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 can cause many health issues. It is argued that raising the price of
food
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products
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 which contain a high level of
sugar
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 can be a reasonable and effective solution to encourage
people
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 to buy these
products
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 less. I partially agree with
this
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 solution and will provide my reasons in
this
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 essay. It is argued that increasing the price of those
products
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 which contain a high level of
sugar
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 will certainly discourage
people
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 from buying these
products
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. By doing so, fewer
people
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 will be willing to spend money on these
products
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, which will eventually help them become healthier.
Although
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 it is a gradual process, in the long run,
people
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 will be switching to healthier
food
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 options
such
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 as vegetables and high-fiber and high-protein meals.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 argue that it is the responsibility of the manufacturers to produce
products
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 which take
people
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's health into consideration.
As a result
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, many believe that the government should
incur
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impose
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 tougher laws and regulations on these companies.
For instance
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, placing higher
tax
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taxes
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 on sugary
products
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 will encourage
food
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 and drinks manufacturers to make appropriate modifications in their
products
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 so that they become healthier options for
people
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 to buy. In conclusion, I would have to say that I partially agree with the idea that increasing the price of sugary
products
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 is the only solution. I believe it is the responsibility of both the government and the manufacturers to take
people
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's health issues into consideration.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, try incorporating more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Using concrete examples can enhance your argument's persuasiveness and clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on linking ideas more effectively between paragraphs. Although your essay has a logical structure, using more cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, however, consequently) can enhance the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow.
Coherence and Cohesion
In order to support your main points more effectively, consider developing your arguments in greater depth. Expanding on your reasons and explaining the consequences or implications can make your essay more compelling.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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