IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Shopping is the favourite free time activity for many young people today. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time rather than shopping? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There has been quite an obvious discussion around the topic of hobbies.
While
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 some people believe that shopping is necessary for
teenagers
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while
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 they have free
time
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, I would argue that young people should be influenced to do more
activities
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 in their free
time
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. I will explain my reasons in
this
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 essay.
This
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 is no doubt that social media platforms have influenced young people to spend their free
time
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 shopping rather than playing outside or doing other
activities
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.
This
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 is because many technologies, gadgets and fashion items that there is an easy way to follow and encourage
teenagers
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 to purchase goods.
For example
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, on Instagram advertisements by famous brands encourage
teenagers
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 to buy fashionable items to follow the trend.
Also
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, an online shop will have a discount if they show a student ID card.
As a result
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, advertisements on social media can convince
teenagers
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 to spend their free
time
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 shopping.
However
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, it is worth pointing out that youths should be spending their free
time
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 in more
activities
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 and hobbies which can be beneficial for them.
This
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 is based on the fact that many
activities
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such
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 as reading, exercise and going outdoor sports can benefit their knowledge, health and creativity.
For instance
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, children who like to do outdoor sports can increase their mental health, physical fitness and social more than those who spend free
time
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 in the shopping mall.
Consequently
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, young children should do more
activities
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 that they are interested in.
Also
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, these
activities
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 can be beneficial for their health and knowledge. In Conclusion, we can observe that shopping is necessary, but it should not be a hobby for
teenagers
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.
Overall
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, I firmly believe that youngsters should spend their free
time
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 on various
activities
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.

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development
Be mindful of ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded upon with examples or explanations, especially when discussing the impact of social media and the benefits of alternative hobbies.
coherence
Consider using a wider range of connective devices to link ideas more smoothly, ensuring the essay flows well from point to point.
precision
Avoid overgeneralization by providing more specific evidence or examples to support your claims, particularly when discussing the effects of shopping or the benefits of other activities.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively structured, providing a clear overview of your essay's direction and summarizing your main points well.
organization
You make good use of paragraphs to organize your ideas, which helps in making your argument clearer to the reader.
task response
Your essay addresses the task directly and presents a clear argument, showing a good understanding of the topic.
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