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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that studying at school is not important because most important things are learnt outside the school. Do you agree or disagree?

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As learning can be done everywhere, some individuals argue that classroom learning is not important because people can autonomously learn things outside the school. I firmly disagree with
this
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 stance and think that going to school is of the utmost essence for every person.
To begin
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 with,
schools
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 have a fixed learning system designed by credible academicians.
This
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 is what guides students and teachers on what to
study
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 and how to
study
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. Indonesian's Merdeka Curriculum,
for example
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, is designed based on research and has been done through multiple examinations to see whether it is applicable and effective.
Therefore
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, teachers at school can know what materials should be taught based on
students'
Correct your spelling
student's
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 age and background in order to reach the academic objectives.
Furthermore
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,
schools
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' lessons guarantee their graduates to get valuable jobs.
This
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 means that professional workers often come from graduates mastering specific subjects.
For instance
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, hospital workers, especially surgeons, come from
garduates
Correct your spelling
graduates
 that have majored in their related field in the university. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other words, someone who wants to be a surgeon must
study
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 biology which is obviously not taught anywhere else outside credible institutions.
To sum up
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,
schools
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 are preparing professionals who are capable of working in their related
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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. In conclusion, some people opine that schooling is not a pivotal aspect as individuals can
study
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 by themselves.
Nonetheless
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, academic institutions offer curricula and validity, which cannot be granted unless someone passes official tests.
Thus
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, I opine that
although
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 studying things is flexible,
schools
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 deliver advantages that others do not.

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents clear arguments and examples which support your point of view effectively; however, greater detail and more specific, real-life examples could enhance the demonstration of your assertions. Consider incorporating studies, statistics, or personal anecdotes to bolster your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout your essay by ensuring each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Use a variety of linking words and transitional phrases to achieve this. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by specific examples or explanations.
Logical Structure
To improve the logical structure, ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a specific point, and a concise conclusion that summarizes the main ideas. Use paragraphing effectively to organize your ideas and arguments.
Introduction & Conclusion Presence
It is crucial to have a clear introduction that outlines your opinion and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. Your essay does a good job of this, but enhance clarity by more explicitly stating your thesis in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion.
Supported Main Points
To support your main points more effectively, include more detailed examples, and delve deeper into the explanations of why these examples are relevant. This will strengthen the connection between your ideas and the evidence you present.
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