A large company in your area has decided to spend amount of money,either to sponsor a local children's sports team for two years or to pay for two open-air concerts.It has asked for feed back general public. write a letter to the company .in your letter -describe the benefits of sponsoring the sports team -summerise the benefits of paying for the concert. -say how you think to send the money

#company #area #amount #money #sponsor #children #sports #team #two #years #concerts #-describe #-summerise #concert #-say

Dear Company Manager, I hope you and your company are doing well. I am Harsh Desai, a resident of the area in which you are considering sponsoring a local children's sports organization for 2 years or two open-air concerts. I am writing

this

email to provide you with my personal feedback.

Firstly

, if we look at the advantages of funding children's sports teams, we can say that it will encourage my and every parent's sons and daughters to participate in physical activities. We know that in

this

era of technology, youngsters are always busy with their phones.

This

good initiative can help to tackle

this

issue. On the other side, if your company pays for two concerts, it can attract many people towards our community. Because of

this

, we can meet new people and we get a chance to show our hospitality to them.

Moreover

, we, the residents can

also

have a good time by attending the show with each other. In my personal opinion, I would recommend you promote the sports team, because

this

is what other parents would

also

consider. Any parent would focus on what is better for their children and funding the team seems a better option for kids rather than spending money on a music show. I really appreciate for listening to me and many people like me who are writing the feedback on

this

. Best regards, Harsh Desai

Submitted by harshdesai305 on Tue Feb 13 2024

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single point for clarity. Although you've done well to separate ideas, refining paragraphs to present one main idea each more clearly can enhance both readability and impact.

coherence cohesion

Your introduction and conclusion are effective, showing respect and a clear purpose. To further improve, consider building a stronger connection between the paragraphs, possibly by referencing how one point leads to the next, to create a smoother flow of ideas.

task achievement

You've effectively covered the task's requirements and presented a personal opinion, which is excellent. To enhance your response, consider providing more detailed examples or data to support your preferences and making comparisons between the two options to show deeper analysis.

task achievement

The tone of your letter is appropriate, coming across as respectful and informative. To elevate it even further, you might experiment with varied sentence structures and a more dynamic vocabulary to express your opinions and suggestions with greater impact.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

firstly
secondly
thirdly
in additional
moreover
also
for example
for instance
therefore
however
although
even though
despite

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4Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

8 paragraphs

234 words

8.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Single idea per paragraph

Greeting and closing

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Suitable writing tone

Appropriate word count

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