In order to become a successful sportsperson,some people argue that you need to have access to the latest technology and the most up-to-date euipment.Other people believe that these things are not necessary for sporting success. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays the
sports
field
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
getting more and more competition and it tends to the enormous failure for the
sports
persons.There are some people
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
show examples
they need some new
technologies
to overcome the failure.But other
thinks
Correct your spelling
things
show examples
to do well in skills.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
the most number of
countries
developed their
technologies
for
sports
.
As a result
that particular
countries
got a tremendous result
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
compared to the undeveloped
countries
.
For instance
,China got more
olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
show examples
medals than other south
asian
Change the capitalization
Asian
show examples
countries
only because of their
well developed
Add a hyphen
well-developed
show examples
technologies
.
Moreover
to find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
out new
technologies
for
sports
will help them to train
a
Change the article
the
show examples
best
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
person for their country.In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
to develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new
technologies
are
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
essentials
Fix the agreement mistake
essential
show examples
to
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
better
athlets
Correct your spelling
athletes
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
some people
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
that new
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
cannot change that much of the result because the
sports
personn
Correct your spelling
person
persons
who have better physical fitness
then
it will definitely help them to do well.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
some of them
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
sportsmen who trust their skills more than the technology
then
it
definetly
Correct your spelling
definitely
help them to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
better
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
in
sports
.
For example
,a lot of
under developed
Correct your spelling
underdeveloped
show examples
countries
such
as African
countries
like Jamaica
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
performed so well.
To conclude
a lot of
sports
the people who have relied on the
stratagies
Correct your spelling
strategies
and
technologies
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have a
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
chance
to win
Change preposition
of winning
show examples
than the other believing persons.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Focus on structuring your essay more clearly with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion to enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas more smoothly between and within paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure you fully address all parts of the task by discussing both views and clearly stating your own opinion. Expand on your reasons with more detailed explanations and examples.
general
Work on your grammar and vocabulary to express your ideas more accurately and effectively.
task achievement
To improve clarity, be clear about your opinion from the introduction and consistently develop this throughout your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: