As a result of electronic invention such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent so you agree or disagree?
The technology
has covered a major part of the world and various electronic Correct article usage
Technology
devices
have been produced.As a result
,many people do less physical acitivity
.In Correct your spelling
activity
this
essay,I totally disagree with this
statement and will provide my own reason in detail.
In this
era,almost every family owns an electronic
Correct the article-noun agreement
an electronic device
electronic devices
devices
such
as television
,computer Correct article usage
a television
and
Correct word choice
or
a
Smartphone and Correct article usage
apply
this
eventually cause
a bad influence if an individual Change the verb form
causes
become
addicted to the utilisation of any Change the verb form
becomes
devices
for various purposes.For example
,a kid who spend
more hours on screen time will slowly Change the verb form
spends
has
a negative impact Change the verb form
have
to
their eyesight,sometimes,leading to serious eye problems.Change preposition
on
Apart from
this
,the population will has
a sedentary Change the verb form
have
lifestyles
if Correct the article-noun agreement
lifestyle
this
continue
to take place.Change the verb form
continues
In addition
,without a proper workout or healthy daily basic contributes to an unwanted health disease ,especially obesity.Therefore
,parents play a big role in setting a
strict Correct article usage
apply
rule
against the usage of electronic Fix the agreement mistake
rules
devices
.
On the other hand
,electronic devices
are not only thing to be blamed but also
the public lacks
of knowledge.I believe that the government should provide Fix the agreement mistake
lack
an
early education about the Correct article usage
apply
significant
of keeping up a good shape and health habits to all students so that they can gain consciousness about healthy Replace the word
significance
lifestyle
.Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
For example
,physical education can be included in schools curriculum
for Fix the agreement mistake
school curricula
the
youngsters to join in Correct article usage
apply
sport
activities and maintain happy lifestyles.Change the noun form
sports
Moreover
,private
Correct article usage
the private
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
also
should publish a
awareness campaign and workout workshops to encourage them to participate in fitness events.
In conclusion,the responsibility for physical inactivity cannot be simply placed on electronic Change the article
an
devices
.After all,nations allowed
to choose what lifestyles they desire to live.Add a missing verb
are allowed
Submitted by tifjong on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay by presenting your ideas in a more organized manner. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of your argument, with clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction that clearly addresses the question and outlines your stance, ensuring your conclusion reinforces your initial statement without introducing new ideas. This will improve the presence of an introduction and conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. For example, when discussing the role of parents or the impact of electronic devices, provide specific instances or studies to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Ensure you fully address the task by responding directly to the question asked. Your essay should clearly explain your stance in the introduction and use the body paragraphs to support your opinion with explanations and examples.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but try to express them more comprehensively by expanding on your explanations and linking them back to the question. This will help demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples that directly support your arguments. This could involve citing recent studies, specific statistics, or real-life cases that illustrate the negative effects of electronic devices on physical activity.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?