IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As a result of electronic invention such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent so you agree or disagree?

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The technology
Correct article usage
Technology
show examples
 has covered a major part of the world and various electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 have been produced.
As a result
Linking Words
,many people do less physical
acitivity
Correct your spelling
activity
.In
this
Linking Words
 essay,I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and will provide my own reason in detail. In
this
Linking Words
 era,almost every family owns
an electronic
Correct the article-noun agreement
an electronic device
electronic devices
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devices
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
television
Correct article usage
a television
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,computer
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Smartphone and
this
Linking Words
 eventually
cause
Change the verb form
causes
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 a bad influence if an individual
become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 addicted to the utilisation of any
devices
Use synonyms
 for various purposes.
For example
Linking Words
,a kid who
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 more hours on screen time will slowly
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a negative impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their eyesight,sometimes,leading to serious eye problems.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
,the population will
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a sedentary
lifestyles
Correct the article-noun agreement
lifestyle
show examples
 if
this
Linking Words
continue
Change the verb form
continues
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 to take place.
In addition
Linking Words
,without a proper workout or healthy daily basic contributes to an unwanted health disease ,especially obesity.
Therefore
Linking Words
,parents play a big role in setting
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strict
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
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 against the usage of electronic
devices
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 are not only thing to be blamed but
also
Linking Words
 the public
lacks
Fix the agreement mistake
lack
show examples
 of knowledge.I believe that the government should provide
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early education about the
significant
Replace the word
significance
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 of keeping up a good shape and health habits to all students so that they can gain consciousness about healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,physical education can be included in
schools curriculum
Fix the agreement mistake
school curricula
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters to join in
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 activities and maintain happy lifestyles.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
also
Linking Words
 should publish
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 awareness campaign and workout workshops to encourage them to participate in fitness events. In conclusion,the responsibility for physical inactivity cannot be simply placed on electronic
devices
Use synonyms
.After all,nations
allowed
Add a missing verb
are allowed
show examples
 to choose what lifestyles they desire to live.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay by presenting your ideas in a more organized manner. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of your argument, with clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction that clearly addresses the question and outlines your stance, ensuring your conclusion reinforces your initial statement without introducing new ideas. This will improve the presence of an introduction and conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. For example, when discussing the role of parents or the impact of electronic devices, provide specific instances or studies to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Ensure you fully address the task by responding directly to the question asked. Your essay should clearly explain your stance in the introduction and use the body paragraphs to support your opinion with explanations and examples.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but try to express them more comprehensively by expanding on your explanations and linking them back to the question. This will help demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples that directly support your arguments. This could involve citing recent studies, specific statistics, or real-life cases that illustrate the negative effects of electronic devices on physical activity.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • exacerbate
  • mental health issues
  • fitness apps
  • urbanization
  • work culture
  • obsolete
  • health landscapes
  • awareness
  • wearable fitness technology
  • digital detoxes
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