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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Only people who earn a lot of money are successful. Do you agree with this statement?

#people #money
Some people believe only
high income
Add a hyphen
high-income
show examples
personels
Correct your spelling
persons
 can be considered as
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
. I strongly oppose
this
 statement because
ones
Change noun form
one's
show examples
earning
Correct your spelling
earnings
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not the only measure of
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
 and individuals can have a fulfilled life without earning a lot of
money
. People who bring positive influent to others who are in need are acknowledged as high
achiver
Correct your spelling
achiever
achievers
.
For example
,
doctos
Correct your spelling
doctors
work
 in
organisation
Add an article
an organisation
show examples
 called '
Doctos
Correct your spelling
Doctors
 Without Borders'.
While
 they do not earn as much compared with
a businessmen
Correct the article-noun agreement
businessmen
a businessman
show examples
 or manager, they are devoted to
save
Change the verb form
saving
show examples
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
 in
undeveloped
Add an article
the undeveloped
an undeveloped
show examples
 country which has insufficient resources to even provide basic medical
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
.
Hence
,
money
 is not the only
criteria
Fix the agreement mistake
criterion
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 success.
Furthermore
,
high income
Add a hyphen
high-income
show examples
 earners are less likely to have a fulfilled life as
work
occupied
Wrong verb form
occupies
show examples
 most of their time. Works with great returns
normally
Add a missing verb
are normally
show examples
 associated with
intense
Correct article usage
an intense
show examples
work load
Correct your spelling
workload
show examples
, and the
inbalance
Correct your spelling
imbalance
show examples
 between
work
 and life can lead to burnout and depression. One of my
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
youtuber
Correct your spelling
YouTubers
 was a
high earning
Add a hyphen
high-earning
show examples
 I-banker. In 2020, he was
dianogsis
Correct your spelling
diagnosis
 with depression
due to
excessive
Correct article usage
an excessive
show examples
 amount of pressure at
work
. He
then
 decided to quit his job and travel around the
word
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
 with his
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
.
Although
 he does not earn a lot of
money
 anymore, he is now much happier since he has more time to try new
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
. In
this
 capitalist society,
money
 often being defined as the only way to
sucess
Correct your spelling
succeed
. But from the above example, it indicates that everyone has their own definition of
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
 and there is no one shoe that can
fits
Change the verb form
fit
show examples
 everyone.
Submitted by jennygo64 on

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Task Achievement
Consider starting your essay with a more engaging introduction that clearly presents your thesis and what your essay will argue. This sets a clearer direction for your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Pay special attention to ensuring that your essay follows a logical structure throughout. This involves not only having a clear introduction, body, and conclusion but also making sure that the flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next is smooth and logical. Transitions between paragraphs could be improved.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on your conclusion by ensuring it succinctly summarizes your main points and reiterates your position. A strong conclusion leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
Task Achievement
To further improve task achievement, ensure that you fully address the prompt by exploring all relevant aspects of the statement. While you present a clear position and supporting arguments, incorporating a more diverse range of perspectives or a more nuanced discussion could enhance your response.
Coherence & Cohesion
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and vocabulary. Incorrect spelling ('doctos' instead of 'doctors') and grammar mistakes can distract from your argument and make your essay less coherent. Practicing precise language use and careful proofreading will improve your clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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